February 3, 2013 § 4 Comments
The first keystrokes today are a blind search, easing into the undercurrents of my thoughts. Sifting through pieces of our family’s days, beneath the distractions, gathering the details of our story into a place of remembrance. This past week my fingers and thoughts have felt clunky and awkward, directionless. My mind and heart have been weighted by worries for those I love most.
We are standing in a place of transition and the growing pains that accompany discovery have made me more sensitive to our collective vulnerability. My husband’s brow is creased with worries and his eyes bright with hope for career changes that hint at a promise of greater possibility. My daughter is on the edge of academic accomplishment, her efforts often mismeasured by irrelevant gauges. My son is slowly assuming greater responsibility in advocating for his needs academically and socially; reaching out into the uncomfortable intersection of awareness and need uncertain how his requests for assistance will be met by those individuals, friends and teachers, who are central to his success at school.
Even as I try to neatly summarize this moment, grasping tightly to the possibility nestled within uncertainty, I am aware these new experiences carry the emotional charge of daily disappointments stacked against the light at the end of the tunnel. I see my husband moving through joyless workday routines to provide for us, our evenings as a family a small reprieve from the disappointment of his days. My daughter struggling to master reading and math skills discouraged by the ease with which her peers seem to exercise knowledge she demonstrates more slowly, swallowing her own disappointment beside those who flaunt the ease of the task at hand. My son seeking friendship and trying to please others by following social rules that are often contradictory in their logic; too often tangled in another’s joke, hurt and yet determined to remain a part of his peers’ play.
In the weeks ahead my husband will learn if a new career opportunity will provide greater stability and inspiration, while he goes through the motions of life as is. Our daughter will make slow steps towards progress, her potential greater than her classroom demonstrations, frustration accompanying her dedication. Our son will sit beside teachers and support staff helping to outline the education plan that will inform other’s of his daily needs, speaking for himself while other’s speak of him.
Individually, and together, we must believe in our capacities to create our own destinies while navigating the challenges that exaggerate our fear. As a wife and mother I will be in the background lending encouragement and love while holding my breath, my heart and nerves stretched to encompass the fears and anticipation that accompany uncertainty. In quieter moments I will tap away at my computer keys to mark our path, capturing fragmented moments alone with my thoughts.