making a list, checking it twice
November 16, 2011 § Leave a comment
It’s that time of year, the air has turned cooler and the wind sends me scuttling inside after a forgotten scarf or gloves. Mother Nature gently reminds me that winter is around the corner and with it the festive busyness of Christmastime. In anticipation of familiar holiday routines, I have begun my list of things to do.
Christmas cards are the pre-season tradition I most look forward to. I have not taken the time to hand-write messages in years and while I miss the quiet, individual endeavor; I am content to label envelopes that will carry pictures of my children to family and friends. My life long love affair with mail is heightened over the holidays and I watch for the mailwoman eager to exchange a greeting and collect seasonal tidings of joy. This is the first sign of the season as I gather materials in the hopes of sending warm wishes soon after Thanksgiving.
Cookie making I save for winter break, an activity more enjoyable when shared with tiny hands. My island covered with flour and sprinkled with conversation makes for a delightful indoor activity on a cool winter’s day. An afternoon indulgence of warm baked goods and cocoa are a pleasant break from holiday errands and outdoor play. I am less traditional and entirely spontaneous when baking. Each year the cookies are predictably different from seasons past, old favorites and new samplings eclectically gathered like old friends and new in celebration.
Christmas gifting. I try to shop locally, happy to extend my errands to visit with friendly faces behind boutique counters and to window shop quaint storefronts appreciative of the festive decorations that twinkle against snow and lights. In an imperfect world the warm glow of lights and infectious good cheer of strangers makes neatly wrapped presents gifts secondary to kindness and good cheer.
The days between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve move to the soundtrack of familiar songs. I hum, accompany off-key, and twirl between activities, happy to breath in the sounds of the season. Quiet will settle only long enough for little ears to listen diligently, half asleep for the sound of stomping feet and bells on Christmas Eve.
Decking the halls and planning meals will keep my feet planted in reality while my head swims with daydreams of sugar plums. Classic holiday stories and old movies will gather my family near in restful moments of stillness balancing seasonal outings. It is a time of believing in the possibility of magic and giving thanks for the blessings of loved one’s. The greatest gifts will go unwrapped, the sweetest treats stolen moments in good company.
decisively curious
November 15, 2011 § Leave a comment
I struggle a bit with indecisiveness. I circle decisions hesitantly, curious to explore something new and cautious of the unknown. I must stand in a place of certainty before I step forward. Then, slowly, I find my way.
This past year has been an exercise in sharing; setting aside time to explore my thoughts and document everyday moments of wonder with writing. In the beginning I thought I would share stories of others that so serendipitously grace my days. Instead I found myself dwelling in a place of gratitude for my blessings, marveling at my children’s unique personalities, and reflecting on thoughts previously scribbled in my mind.
Today my husband gently nudged me forward, quietly challenging me to take another step. In response I am embracing the guidance of women who create beautiful blogs to draw me deeper into this nesting of my thoughts. With a heart full of hope and an indulgent gift of something new, I am stepping decisively, curiously forward.
food for the soul
November 14, 2011 § Leave a comment
Some days, less is immeasurably more. Today began with gray skies and pregnant raindrops. My list of house chores and errands sit unwritten, vying for attention. Instead of leaping into a day of busyness, I stilled myself dwelling on a singular task; nurturing my family with a meal. After a long weekend together the house felt empty this morning making me eager for school dismissal. Retrieving my trusted crock pot from the pantry and gathering ingredients, I directed my energy into the meditative act of cooking taking an extra moment to enjoy the process of preparing fresh vegetables. As the house begins to simmer with the scents of a hearty pot roast I am looking forward to the simple joy of family togetherness and a warm meal at the end of a cool, Autumn day.
paths not taken
November 11, 2011 § Leave a comment
Today is Veterans Day. As my husband kissed me goodbye before leaving for work and my children settled into various leisurely activities in celebration of the long weekend, I paused to give thanks for the unanswered prayers of a teenage girl and paths not taken.
The first boy I kissed was a soldier. It was his first love and true calling. I remember the day he pledged himself to the service of our country. My teenage heart wanted him to stay, to guard me from a home with sadness and promise me a future. It wasn’t meant to be and I mourned what I thought I lost.
Today I look at the home my husband and I have built and give thanks for the hidden blessings of paths not taken. This Veterans Day I am grateful for a young boy whose life of service gift my children a safer world and for the man I married whose love gave me a future my teenage self could not have imagined.
singing in the rain
November 8, 2011 § Leave a comment
This morning my daughter reminded me that behind every dark cloud is an opportunity for joy. My lesson began just before the school bell.
I peered out the windows of our home discouraged by the sight of rain. Gloomy and disheartened by dark skies I threw a spontaneous pity party, pouting at the inevitable mess and unavoidable complications to otherwise simple tasks. Loading my daughter into the car for school I marveled at neighborhood streets flowing with water, magnificent and chaotic. As I pulled in front of the school building, my daughter’s face lit up in sheer joy as she extracted her bright pink umbrella. The car door swung open and she lept from the car eager to experience the rain. What was cold, wet, messy and uncontrollable to me was an opportunity for joy to my daughter.
I watched my little girl navigate the puddles, choosing her path mindfully from under the shelter of her pink halo and took note: in life sometimes we have to get a little uncomfortable and embrace an opportunity to find our way, joy is within us.
once upon a time
October 29, 2011 § 2 Comments
I imagined my Prince Charming would sweep me into a Fairy Tale. I married a man who lives with me in a place of reality, it is a life beyond the pages of my childhood stories. Long before Happily Ever After, there are everyday moments of chivalry.
This week my husband sat quietly at the dinner table, pouring over pages of math in an effort to guide our son. Hours passed and his patience lingered as our son slowly grasped a new concept. I sat separately with our daughter, grateful for a partner that shares in long nights heavy with frustration. There was no white horse or castle peeking over a distant hill, just the sight of my husband and son bent over messy numbers with sleepy eyes.
Good night stories are never-ending, my husband sits alongside his princess happy to accommodate her pleas for just one more chapter from a new book. He will forever be her knight in shining armor, warding off the shadows and drawing her into dreams as she slips into sleep. A small wish granted at the end of a long day.
Today, while children everywhere prepare to pretend and embrace fantasy for Halloween, my mind and heart are filled with gratitude for my prince and our real life love story.
heart song
October 26, 2011 § Leave a comment
Once in a blue moon we meet someone who hears the song in our heart. The recognition is quiet, but the affirmation resonates across years. The intricate language of unspoken thoughts finds a voice in friendship.
I don’t remember the beginning, the becoming, I only remember the music is louder when we’re together. I feel understood, moods translated across memories. The years fall away and my laugh is centered in the spirit of a young girl untethered by the titles of marriage and motherhood.
Stories of moments unshared from college, marriage, and motherhood are swapped like sweaters of our youth; with an ease that comes from time and comfort. I met today with a heavy heart and in moments shared with a friend I found peace. I heard my heart song.
muddled memories
October 24, 2011 § 1 Comment
The passage of time creates pockets of memory loss in which embellishments flourish. First loves are lost loves, old friends become characters in stories more grand than the experience, and acquaintances infer connections. I am cautious of faded memories.
With the evolution of social media there exists a dangerous intersection of past and present. I myself am guilty of nostalgia misplaced; logic blurred with flattery and sentiment.
In moments of reflection, I have sent a memory or well-wish into the vast space of ungathered messages. Occasionally, the recipient would welcome the wish, sharing a memory of their own. More often an impersonal request for friendship would follow and I felt caught, uncomfortably in a new relationship with an old acquaintance; a friendship built on brief histories and void of futures.
I marvel at these broken connections; the known and unknown, fact and fiction creating mixed messages and miscommunication. Uncertain of the unspoken etiquette for friendships fostered so abstractly, I discretely excuse myself from a conversation cluttered with assumptions. Good-byes leave me wondering at the wisdom of merging moments in one lifetime with a casual hello.
unedited endeavor
October 18, 2011 § Leave a comment
I love writing; the quiet, uninterrupted act of reflection that accompanies each self-indulgent moment with my thoughts centers me. Compliments and kind words for my efforts on paper are met with shame. With each sharing I am mindful of my own inadequacy. Despite my love of writing, I am an incompetent editor.
I use self-depreciating humor to deflect my insecurities, but the truth settles between the lines of my thoughts. I let go humbly knowing the flaws invite criticism, even here where my audience is limited to those I trust with my feelings and strangers.
I often wonder if others share this experience. If the errors belie the effort or if they make the sharing more human for the imperfections. This is not a confession so much as a curiosity; a verbalization of insecurities otherwise silent companions to my words.
no good, horrible, very bad
October 12, 2011 § Leave a comment
Day. We all have them. I often marvel at my own inability to stop in the midst of unfavorable odds and quarantine myself to the serene sanctity of my home. Stubbornly, I push against misshapen moments, determined to forcibly extract the silver lining from the gray cloud following me around. The entire spectacle is amusing, even to me.
Today, it began with an errand. Rather than double-check store hours before leaving home, I reassured myself I needn’t bother. Closed storefronts sent me directionless, chasing after items on my to-do list out of order. Rearranging my errands I decided to drop off a prescription at my local pharmacy and then spontaneously elected, due to a non-existent line, to get a flu shot. I was silently applauding my own stroke of multitasking genius when I looked over my shoulder to see the pharmacist swamped by a mysterious rush of customers. Still preening over my accidental accomplishment I determined I would make the most of my unhurried moment and used the time to schedule an appointment. Just as I ended my call the pharmacist appeared and administered my shot. Then, unceremoniously, my arm fell asleep. I am already less than graceful, this led to experiments in physical ability. Flopping my arm I must have looked half mad as I made my way to the next stop attempting to shake sense into my lazy limb.
The sought after store still closed, I detoured to a nail salon and decided to wait with productive patience and indulge in an unscheduled manicure and pedicure. The same clumsiness that leads me to trip up stairs also leads to chipped nail polish, I should have skipped the manicure. Situated serendipitously beside a friend of a friend who naturally exudes style and grace, I endeavored to have a conversation but tripped over my thoughts. In an effort to escape my own awkward attempts at casual banter I retreated to my car, prematurely, and mussed my manicure.
This would have been an ideal time to return home and settle in with a book while waiting on a load of laundry, but I was not yet done. The one item on my list mandatory to retiring my to-do list for the day was collecting materials from a school district office. Note I said “a”. I realized the assumption of “my” school district office was in error after smiling and waiting patiently at my school district office, twice. I was never one to read directions, clearly the particulars of an e-mail were also subjective. Once I located the appropriate office, happy to have found the materials I needed, I joked jovially about my error to the receptionist just before stepping around the open door to force open the closed door. It was that kind of day.
Of course no good, horrible, and very bad seem excessively negative. I am certain tomorrow will be better. No need to move to Australia*.
*I reference one of my childhood favorites Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst.
