scribblechic

As my children stretch their independence and their abilities extend toward self-reliance I find myself stuck in a place of transition; caught between the experiences we have outgrown and the unmarked space of our futures.  When my daughter’s language skills first formed concise thoughts, she inquired: Mommy, what do you want to be when I grow up?  My heart and head stumbled over the answer. In truth, I was so busy being my children’s mother I couldn’t imagine what else to be.  Her question, formed in innocence and curiosity has followed me, tucked between my conscious and subconscious thoughts like an item on my to-do list: buy groceries, choose future career, finish the laundry.

I try to recall my childhood fantasies, but I have outgrown tiny tutus and tap shoes.  I still hear the echo of teachers’ and my parents’ voices projecting me on various academic paths; titles I wish would resonate if only to know my place.  Motherhood was a happy reprieve from committing to a career.  With my daughter’s prompting and no clear answer, I find myself window shopping for the future.

Where others create careers, I found only interests.  In college, my favorite space was a classroom; unique personalities and opinions challenging old theories and projecting new possibilities.  Subject matter was secondary to the experience, but my favorite teachers pushed boundaries in conversations centered in English, Psychology, Sociology, and Philosophy.  I wonder now if my liberal arts education could still hold the key to doors of opportunity promised over years of academic guidance.

I am happy here, in this moment as a mother.  Still, I sometimes look ahead and feel the familiar panic of my youth as old questions revisit bearing uncertainty and insecurity.  Shouldn’t I know what I want to be?  I envy the uncluttered wisdom of youth; tiny people dressed in costumes clearly marking their future with dreams.  Firefighters, teachers, doctors, scientists, and dancers confident in their childhood career placement.  I wish for a simple answer and the ability to demonstrate the passion and conviction of owning a dream.  To model for my children the drive and ambition, hard work and stamina of working tirelessly towards a gratifying sense of self outside our home.  To know myself more completely, and for my children to see, the woman in the footsteps of their mother.