scribblechic

Stubbed toe, paper cut, minor burn; in each instance we instinctively flinch, move to protect or comfort ourselves,  and say ouch.  It occurs to me that there are other moments when speaking our mind is coded in etiquette, covering up genuine feeling with good behavior.  I can’t, I wish I could, maybe next time seem like fantastic, dramatic versions of no.  Instead of speaking my truth, I often say yes and then carry the burden of my own self-induced discomfort.  I am learning to say no, but the lessons along the way have left me feeling a little sore and muttering ouch.

I spent the first several years of my married life distorting my own opinions, wishes, and needs to accommodate the expectations of my mother-in-law.  I was determined to please and escape the stereotypical power struggle.  Instead,  I created an unrealistic expectation of agreeability that has haunted me ever since.  The late introduction of the word no deemed mean spirited rather than an expression of different needs.

I am equally certain I have friends that think I like particular hobbies or collectables because my polite conversation was void of any word resembling no.  I am so fascinated and inspired by the diverse group of women in my life that I will nod amiably to garner their company rather than risk differentiating myself by just saying no.

Today, sitting in a room full of bright, thoughtful women, that give generously of their time to our elementary school I wondered how many of them are overextended because somewhere along the way saying no was deemed selfish.  This thought distracted me throughout our noon meeting as I considered the familiar faces of the volunteers.  Despite the variety of fundraisers or academic events, it seems the same names find their way onto each list.  This year, I stepped back from a couple of my previous responsibilities for personal reasons; logical, valid reasons that suddenly felt selfish in the company of other mothers.  I began to feel guilty for using the word no even though speaking it gave me peace.

I have no clear answer, but I cannot seem to shrug the question of how do we express ourselves genuinely without alienating people we love and while acknowledging our own unique needs?