scribblechic

In each lifetime there are moments we jump into and moments we dance around uncertainly. This week my daughter faced a new experience and as she worked through her emotions, I held my breath bearing the weight of my own uncertainty.

I like predictable rhythms marking the passage of my days. Despite a well guarded wish for easy spontaneity I often struggle at the crest of a new experience anxious for the comfort of familiarity. When my daughter vehemently protested participating in a day camp with tears  and passionate declarations of resistance punctuated by quiet pleas for dismissal from our commitment,I wavered tempted to release her from discomfort. My maternal instinct, the piece of my heart that whispers reassurance in moments of hesitation, nudged me forward into the discomfort conscious of the potential joy hidden within the experience.

My nature lover would have the benefit of a new outdoor setting to explore, plants and animals to discover. My social butterfly would find friendship flittering between crafts and play. The little  girl who wants so much to be considered big would be permitted room to exercise her independence and accept responsibility. I tucked my daughter into bed on the eve of her camp tallying these opportunities for reassurance.

My camper woke slowly, her smiles reserved as she watched the clock and noted the rising sun the following morning. Between bites of chocolate chip waffles the quiet was sprinkled with curious questions that seemed to suggest a cautious enthusiasm. Waiting for the bus my daughter stood just outside the cluster of girls, observing. I noted her eyes eagerly measuring her surroundings for clues. Last to fall into line I followed the shadow of my daughter’s form as she made her way slowly down the bus aisle looking for a place to sit. She settled in a seat alone and the outline of her profile remained unmoving as the other girls swirled around her. A friend from school appeared just as the bus prepared to depart, finding her way to my daughter’s side and lending them both the reassuring company of a familiar face. As the bus pulled away I set aside uncertainty for faith.

Letting my daughter find her way through frustration, fear, and uncertainty forced me to navigate my doubts.  I do not need to shield my daughter from challenges or allow my own experiences to inform her expectations. At day’s end the morning’s hesitance was replaced with a calm confidence; uncertainty overshadowed by pride. In the space of a day we both grew a little more comfortable with the uncomfortable feelings that accompany a new experience; more secure in our ability to leap into a new moment.

Tagged: Daughter, Musings