can & cannot
October 25, 2012 § 4 Comments
This week my daughter asked her peers for help spelling a word; aware she often twists her letters out of order and wanting to feel more certain she asked those she trusted for help. Instead of supplying the answer to her question, they judged her for not knowing; laughing and measuring her abilities loudly and unkindly as a group. With honesty and vulnerability my daughter shared this moment from her school day; a lone tear and prideful posture tugged at my heart, but rather than allow my daughter to nestle in a place of Cannot I guided her towards a faith in Can. I acknowledged her feelings then quickly discussed our alternatives for handling moments of harm. As some of her peers move more quickly towards new abilities my daughter must be prepared to practice self-compassion for her weaknesses in the same measure I would ask her to exercise humility for her strengths. Rather than ask others to be more sensitive to what she cannot do I asked my daughter to begin always with what she can do; approaching each moment from a place of strength. Admit openly what you cannot control and insist on kindness. Allow yourself your emotions, but do not let them undermine your ability to move forward. Never, ever measure your worth against others’ abilities or judgment. Then I spelled the word that had created the opportunity for our discussion: G-I-R-L.
scribblechic 
How old is your daughter? This is just terrible, but completely believable. Ironic that the word was “girl.”
My daughter is 8. I can tell you her instinct would be to substitute a “u” for the “i” and inside the uncomfortable familiarity of making a mistake among peers she turned to friends hoping to avoid the embarrassment of an error.
Now I’m even more angry. At 8, there are so many children who spell so many things wrong. Lots of kids would substitute a “u” for the “i”.
I am, perhaps, more sad than angry. Hopefully my daughter will find lessons in compassion within her own more challenging experiences and confidence in herself as she grows to accept mistakes as integral to learning.