rite of passage
February 8, 2013 § 4 Comments
No longer little and pliable to pleasing me with small civilities empty of meaning except for the simple joy of parental pride their offering lends, my son is reveling in his transition to a teenager. His extensive vocabulary and formal statements of self are picketing the peaceful space between us with noisy disruptions, drawing lines of protest that leave me trapped in a web of words, rules, and expectations that congest our conversations with assumptions.
Occasionally I find myself measuring conversations for misunderstandings, uncertain when my words became muddled by my son’s moods. Fortunately I am in good company, trapped in this space with my son’s frustrations alongside my own. Begrudgingly I remember he is exercising his independence, weighing his sense of self and his understanding of the world around him in assumptions that lend me a peek into his perspective.
Tonight when my son began posturing in front of a friend with casually hurtful statements of injustice I set aside my emotions engaging him as a young man to better acknowledge his own accountability. I spoke firmly, placing markers of respect among my directives to help my son find his way. I miss the ease of his unchallenged acceptance, but I am finding peace in small subtle lessons in communicating. Little reminders to listen patiently, acknowledge and accept differences, speak in respectful tones with kind words; mile markers guiding my son as he stumbles into maturity. Our errors and growing pains, uncomfortable rites of passage.
scribblechic 
Well done Mom.
I am not quite there yet, but we are seeing definitive changes in older boy. Though I am expected to be the disciplinarian of the family, I do dread the day when I am no longer viewed as someone “cool” to hang out and play games with.
I was sorely tempted to hold a mirror to my son’s hurtful manners, but I knew that embarrassing or shaming him in front of his friend would only draw the lines more deeply between us. Instead I tried to model with behavior and words the respect and love I want reciprocated.
I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt to be “uncool” but I have found that most often my son is reaching out with one hand while pulling away with the other. Good luck.
“…my words became muddled by my son’s moods.” Exactly.
You seem to be very aware of how uncomfortable the transition is for your son. I think it’s important to keep that in mind, as I try to do with my son — usually without success — every day. In many ways, now is the time they need us the most, yet they either push us away or accept us with resentment. It’s hard to take.
I’d recommend Betty Londergan’s book, The Agony and the Agony: Raising Your Teenager Without Losing Your Mind. It’s excellent, and Amazon has it for a ridiculously low price. You can also find Betty’s blog, What Gives 365, on my blogroll.
I agree that our presence as parents is essential to adolescence. Recently I had the good fortune to attend a lecture given by Dr. Michael Bradley which I found greatly reassuring. Thank you for the recommended book and blog, I look forward to reading both.