deconstructing conflict
July 25, 2013 § 6 Comments
In moments of conflict my thoughts are cluttered by contradictory emotions; indignation challenges insecurity, sadness undermines anger. My younger self imagined growing into an armor of thick skin, an impenetrable shield woven from experience and wisdom that awaited me in adulthood. Instead motherhood has created an unnerving vulnerability; I have found fewer moments of peace as I wade into conflict to clarify the social language of harm, hoping to instruct my children in awareness and forgiveness.
The experience of role-playing and labeling conflict, spontaneous lessons in social behavior, have made me hyper-sensitive to secondary conflict. We sit within a moment among words, sorting the harm between us in a safe place to identify recognizable pieces. At times my nerves are raw for the absence of tenderness or presence of ignorance outlining poor behavior.
My son has learned the language of unkindness in much the same way he memorizes pages of texts. He understands unkindness as it reflects experience and recognizes harm in betrayal. In moments when a friend is unkind or a harm is said in friendly tones, the contradiction creates new wounds. My daughter hears harm unspoken and feels others’ unkindness even when the wounds are not her own. Often the most difficult part of navigating the language of conflict is the unmarked, endless space of tomorrows.
The absence of a tidy resolution, letting go when a harm is too tender to forget; this is the challenge of finding peace in conflict. It is a lesson I am still learning myself; to walk in the world with strength of self and faith in others.
Note: This draft has lingered unsettled for a while, a thought more than a certainty, written at a time when both children were finding their way on a difficult day. Rereading my reflections I am reminded that we must revisit old harms and weigh their relevance in moments of peace to reinforce the value of time and perspective. Learning and growing at each opportunity.
scribblechic 
I constantly remind myself that it is hope I seek, not happiness. Long ago I gave up on the latter, not because it was unattainable–it is–but because the former is so much more powerful. That said, note the verb: ‘seek.’ It matters little whether I arrive, as long as hope is there, just ahead. It is for that reason that ‘unsettled’ from your last paragraph is probably a good place for all of this. It may never be resolved but as long as it is getting attention it will grow the way it needs.
As as aside I should mention that it’s always a pleasure reading your posts. Clearly a lot of time goes into each one and it shows. The words create just the right image and tone 🙂
Happiness, I believe, is often an over-simplified concept. Of course that is not to suggest I am unhappy, rather I am learning to embrace discomfort alongside contentment. In all of this there is a persistent seeking that informs my thoughts and I hope one day gifts my children with a greater awareness of the woman they know more simply as Mom.
Thank you for the thoughtful insight.
Your first sentence rings so true. This is such a well written post describing such a difficult place that can’t be easy to get in touch with and pour on paper. “The absence of a tidy resolution …” — so difficult! so painful! Thank you for putting it all into words.
Thank you for understanding and for the continued kindness as I find my way among my thoughts.
That armor of thick skin is, I think, partly to blame for much of the world’s troubles. It’s obvious that yours never formed, and your children are reaping the benefits of that now.
To think that the uncertainties I struggle against in motherhood could be opportunities for my children to flourish in their own experiences – this would be greatly reassuring.