sight unseen
October 15, 2013 § 4 Comments
Sometimes I stand witness to moments that allow me to acknowledge pieces of self others cannot see. Personal truths filtered by expectations and assumptions can breed disappointment and frustration, understanding obscured by emotions. Knowing and being known a trick of sight.
Recently I caught a reflection of self in the actions of another. A teacher whose defensiveness alienated efforts to assist in classroom complications is really exploring a path I, too, once struggled against. I remember listening as teachers requested classroom change that seemed to undermine our family’s academic goals for our son. I couldn’t hear the kindness beneath their frustration because I was holding tightly to an image of success I couldn’t see past. Change aligned with failure when, in fact, without change success was impossible. Those teachers weathered my denial and resistance with kindness. They saw me as a mother navigating fears with good intentions and misinformation; never once loosing sight of my ability to create positive change as an intricate member of my son’s team of educators. This legacy of faith allows me to look past defensiveness, gathering the sharp corners of resistance into the trajectory of academic success.
Other times it is in feeling unseen that I look more closely at others; bumping into myself quite accidentally. A friend so lost to their own worries they cannot see the sadness behind my own forced smile became an opportunity for me to set aside my needs to be present for another’s heartache. Invisibility shining a light onto compassion. Sometimes a person cannot see clearly for the mask of bravery obscuring sight; blocking out the light that informs understanding. When I feel misplaced in my relationships it is often easiest to begin from a place of friendship, giving first what I most need. This one act gifting me sight of the places I am most mired in self, blinded by my own needs.
Sometimes I have only to look around more mindfully of my place among others. Individuals whose strength and conviction sometimes overwhelms me until I make myself smaller; weighing my significance against the accomplishments of another rather than standing tall in my experiences so that I can better appreciate my unique place of importance among those I admire. This ability to find beauty and belonging another gift of sight; removing undertones of competitiveness and replacing comparisons with inspiration to reach more confidently toward moments of self-realization and selfless acknowledgment of those around me.
Nowhere is sight of self and selfless sight more important than at home; seeing and being seen with a kindness that allows each imperfect piece to make us more whole.
In much the same way I might watch a stream of strangers passing through a congested train station, constructing stories from tiny details potentially insignificant to their personal truths, I sometimes lose sight of those closest to me for the busy details of our days. It is a messy exercise, detangling myself from expectations of those I love to better see those I most want to gift sight of self; removing filters of emotions and assumptions to see the individual beneath behaviors.
These thoughts have chased around my mind these past couple days challenging assumptions and begging me to gather a moment of sight to guide me when I cannot find my way. An incomplete series of questions rattling around my certainties, pushing against images of self and understanding of others, creating light and space for new knowing.
scribblechic 
I understand the benefit of using something to get out of your own head, the clutter of thoughts that leave you blind. What I almost hear, though, is a desire to put yourself second, first, in the hopes that you get a turn or share the other’s turn (i.e. gain satisfaction/understanding). It’s a little like subjugating your feelings. That’s good as an occasional strategy, not as a constant pattern. You deserve to be first sometimes, too.
This is where the experience of writing as part of a community becomes especially valuable. While I had consciously acknowledged a need to be less selfish, I hadn’t considered I might be subjugating my emotions. Interesting. Thank you!
You may have noticed that I am a lot slower than usual in replying. This is the third read-through and I think I now know why. I generally like to grab on to only a small number of things; one or two ideas. The fact is, though there are too many profound insights here. A nice problem 🙂
This is not the first time I have had this thought: much of your writing has the rhythm and structure of poetry. I can see it there…
I very much enjoy the idea that there is an element of poetry to this piece as I found myself struggling to grasp the pulse of my distraction between each certainty.
Thank you.