sorry
January 29, 2014 § 4 Comments
Five little letters that sometimes stick at the back of my throat in a space between my heart and speech. Too often I speak words of apology passively, poorly. I endeavor to teach my children in words and actions to stand inside their apologies, owning the lesson nestled in their mistakes. Sometimes I fail in my own apologies.
When our children were old enough to string words together my husband and I would ask: What does sorry mean? The contrite response stretched between sing-song sincerity and wide, earnest eyes was a well-memorized chorus of: Sorry means I will try harder next time. or Sorry means I will not do that again. In the earliest days of my experience as a parent, sorry was a lesson sketched in black and white; understand your mistake, accept responsibility, do better.
As my children have grown into more complicated experiences and I have navigated difficult apologies, I have come to recognize a certain frailty in my own expectations. Sometimes our errors are cyclical because we are still learning.
Not long ago I found myself trapped in a moment of remorse overshadowed by hurt; it was a familiar experience. Even as I attempted to speak words of apology I was listening for an apology owed, straddling relationships as I precariously balanced truth and care. My own words were as hollow as the silence that surrounded them; more than an apology, I sought validation. When we speak words of apology as a courtesy without genuine understanding, an apology is little more than a perfunctory display of etiquette; an empty kindness.
I am considering redefining my expectation of apologies. Sorry no longer guards against future errors, rather it validates our sense of self-worth with an exercise in ownership and empathy. Sorry means I don’t want to hurt you and I will try to protect you from harm, but when I can’t I will stand beside you because you are more important to me than the harm between us. It also means, I am worthy of doing better.
Sorry is a promise of presence.
scribblechic 
I have tried to drum into my son’s head the idea that an insincere apology adds insult to injury. He may be getting there. Again, you’ve made me think.
Thanks, Janice! I’m still figuring things out myself, so I’m glad to be in good company. I think this is what I miss most about school – the questions.
Reblogged this on deweeseamanda and commented:
sorry is hard for me to say. its like thank you and I love you seems we over use them. if you are truly sorry then you would show them not tell them
I agree; sorry, like thank you or I love you, are expressions we honor with our actions. As for the frequency and sincerity of these declarations, I suppose the sentiments are only excessive if they are disposable.