scribblechic

In the earliest days of motherhood I met my husband eagerly with every fear, hope, and need. Tattered and terrified of all that I did not know, my husband held these confidences tenderly and we mapped our choices by need with love.

One such choice was to shun gifts of appreciation to model a less material gesture of celebration. I became so entrenched in the mechanics of less, that I undervalued the enthusiasm of more. My family demonstrated appreciation too quietly for my needs out of respect for what I presumably wanted. I had miscommunicated how I feel appreciated and the value of that need.

I don’t want anything is an unclear marker. It guides attention to what I dislike rather than what brings me joy. I was looking for those I love to navigate the intricacies of my silence rather than sounding out a subtext of need. Nothing was actually something; homemade cards and acts of care, words of appreciation and demonstrations of thoughtfulness.

On the eve of Mother’s Day I spiraled into a self-indulgent pity party. I had presumably changed the rules without talking through my wishes with my family and sabotaged my experience of happiness while cluttering my expression of gratitude with a need that felt shameful and greedy.

I’ve been trying to think about how to write this moment; questioning if it is important enough to take up room in my story. It feels self-serving to speak of my wants when addressing an occupation of the heart. So how do we, I, celebrate unselfishly and still my family in an expression of gratitude that validates my needs? And why is this important?

When I imagine my children one day parenting their own children or remembering my place in their childhood, I want there to be room for both joy and purpose. That requires that we know how to demonstrate appreciation and speak need.

This is where the answer required I shift my perspective. I was looking for validation and appreciation, to be seen where I might first need to guide sight.

Maybe this year my words and actions have not nurtured gratitude, perhaps my expectations of others have outspoken my words of appreciation. I am trying to recenter my actions to speak love more loudly. Remembering that to be appreciated we must first model appreciation. To be seen, we must first make ourselves visible and our needs known.

This year I am thinking of how we celebrate and honor those we love and spending a little more time consciously guiding my children’s eyes to the invisible places of care with greater awareness and appreciation.

Tagged: Family, Mother's Day, Musings