scribblechic

I walked into the clothing  boutique hoping to find a top; something comfortable and stylish, affordable and modest. I was feeling a little off-center and searching out encouragement. Self conscious, I moved through the racks of material with embarrassment; hugging the periphery of everyone’s attention for invisibility.

I was looking for borrowed confidence when I found an uncomfortable reflection of self in another’s image.

It happened as so many lessons do, in an unexpected conversation with a stranger. I had been dodging small talk, sticking to the perimeter of the store;  just far enough from anyone in particular that I might browse without obligatory niceties. A determined greeter with leading questions engaged me until I was stuck in the middle of an introduction that would follow me through the afternoon like a forgotten tag.

On the surface there was nothing exceptional about the conversation. The stranger welcomed me to my new community with thoughtful advice on her own experiences as a veteran transplant. Dressed and coiffed, confident and extroverted she steamrolled my introverted insecurities unknowingly.

I extracted myself from the forced exchange after a determined handshake and polite measure of thanks, willing myself a righteous indignation for the sales woman’s glossy superiority. I cursed the way her confidence fed my doubts and rallied privately against her kindness.

Except the story in my head was no longer guided by the stranger’s happiness, it was frustrated with my selfishness. Damning myself for the delusion of inferiority.

Why must a stranger’s confidence be tempered by my insecurities? I was measuring myself against another and translating those inconsistencies into an evaluation of worth; wasting a less exhaustive celebration of differences for the thief of comparison.

I am allowed my tenderness as another is allowed their boldness.

I left the store empty-handed, but with a wealth of perspective.

We cannot buy confidence and we are not built up by the insecurities of other’s or quieter fears of self-doubt. I am not better than or less than another by comparison.