stand by me
January 25, 2016 § 7 Comments
It began at the end of school last Friday. My daughter was faced with a decision to muddle through a commitment to others while feeling ill or honor her commitment to self and disappoint others. She chose the latter. Not feeling well, she skipped play practice and headed home.
We each navigate a million different versions of this decision everyday; self or others. I was raised to be a people pleaser and move through the motions of responsibility to others even when resentful of the personal cost. It is easy to understand then that I almost missed the importance of my daughter’s choice.
I was quick to consider her irresponsible before weighing the maturity of her self-awareness. Ever one to get run down and sick, she recognized the early signs of exhaustion and chose self-care.
I’m sad to say it took me too long to appreciate my daughter’s awareness of her body’s needs and acknowledge the world would keep spinning on course despite the trajectory of her departure from expectations. Thankfully my emotions played out in the privacy of my living room with only my husband as witness while our daughter made the trip home by bus.
By the time I saw my daughter I could appreciate that this was not the decision of an irresponsible, insensitive child, but an act of self-care by a sensitive child who worried about disappointing a teacher she respects and a friend she cares for. In missing practice and letting down a friend who needed a ride, she was highly attuned to the consequences of her choice.
Still, she made the best choice she felt she could and then let go of guilt for confidence.
My daughter chose to risk being excluded from her school play for her absence and was validated by a thoughtful message from her teacher acknowledging the integrity of her decision with respect for health and well-being. I still don’t know how my daughter’s friend felt or if they will be ok today.
Last night, Friday’s actions were close in my daughter’s worries. She feared out loud that her friend might still be angry and that it would be uncomfortable sitting beside someone you care about knowing they might be mad. She dreaded the class where she could not escape the uncertainty of her friend’s feelings.
Growing up is hard, it isn’t easy finding balance between our needs and others. I’m thankful my daughter could make a difficult decision efficiently and wade through the complicated consequences mindfully. I love that she understands her self-worth with the same awareness she values others.
In fact, I’m pretty sure I could learn from her practice of self-compassion and trust in others. Mostly, I’m glad she let me sit with her through it all; however it all turns out.
scribblechic 
I think her mother may not be realising it is her teachings to her daughter that have raised a very thoughtful, compassionate and loving little girl in the first instance.
And it should make you feel very blessed that her heart is in the same place as her mom’s 🙂
Well done to you both, that ability for self love usually takes many, many years before its worth is observed and put into practice. Her understanding has a head start thanks to your (and no doubt dad’s), raising her from that wisdom.
Great post Marie, thank you for sharing.
She’s ahead of me by light years, Mark, but I should acknowledge that her father does, indeed, balance my example.
She made a choice many of still struggle with as adults! Esp. in the corporate world where a sick day is unheard of (one that is taken, at least). Good for her.
You know, Kay, I was reminded of toddler demonstrations of NO and how I used to clap for my children’s stubborn sense of independence (even when it made my day more difficult). It’s good to know our limits and speak up.
I am reminded of one of the many wise things my old friend Ed Wade has taught me. This time it’s “you can’t put a kid’s head on a grownup’s body.” Yes, growing up is such a long difficult process, one for which there are no shortcuts. Still though the effort is worth it.
I was also reminded of this version of this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqVxqbxh7ZA
Too bad, too. I think some grown-ups would be better served thinking with the raw naiveté of an innocent mind.