how to
August 7, 2011 § Leave a comment
Stranded at the grocery store, hiding out from a spontaneous torrential downpour, I grabbed a cup of coffee and parked my cart in the magazine aisle. I began browsing various covers in search of a distraction. I had unwittingly stumbled in to the “how to” section of the grocery store.
How to: lose weight, get fit, raise happy kids, make a quilt, prepare a meal, choose a hairstyle, scrapbook, find a bargain, buy the perfect pair of jeans, take a vacation, retire, get married, give birth, buy a car, remodel a room. Endless, unsolicited advice sandwiched between children’s themed magazines and auto magazines.
My mind, assaulted with directions, I began to second guess my own instincts. I felt compelled to gather and compile information for now, down the road, just in case. The sky cleared as I was trying to determine if I should move further down the aisle to the books. Happy to escape the pressure of making a choice I switched gears and checked out, content as is.
individual inspiration
August 6, 2011 § Leave a comment
One person, inspiring a connection that forever changes the trajectory of a lifetime. I wonder, who would that be for each of us?
For some it could be a spiritual connection. Identifying with a belief that transpires time and fosters faith, unseen and universal. A sense of belonging to an ideology that draws strangers together in worship and action.
Perhaps others would make a romantic connection, identifying “The One.” A first love, old love, new love, unrequited love, or spouse. Finding a sense of belonging in another.
As a mother I cannot imagine my life without my children. There is an innocent, all-consuming love; their joy and pain felt as my own.
Friendship, platonic love that shelters us in moments of difficulty and celebrates us; guides us and balances us. The kind souls that we turn to without hesitation for understanding even when we cannot find words.
Then there is self-love. What if we never met ourselves; accepted our challenges and acknowledged our strengths? Would other relationships be the same if we never truly knew ourselves?
I am hesitant to place the burden of my destiny in another. I cannot imagine my story without the multitude of personalities that have led me to the present moment. I wonder, can anyone choose one person or identify one relationship that changes everything?
for better
August 5, 2011 § Leave a comment
My cousin toasted her parents’ wedding anniversary with words of gratitude for her mother and father’s choice to dedicate themselves to one another through everyday commitments of selflessness and effort. My aunt and uncle are celebrating their 49th anniversary. In honor of this happy occasion, I paused to reflect on my cousin’s words.
I have always held romantic notions of those couples peeking from the pages of the newspaper; strangers in black and white images frozen in time from the moment of “I do” then projected into the present, mirrored body language and content smiles bookends to decades of a shared journey. As I replace my fictional story lines for strangers with simple truths gathered from my own experiences and observations, my cousin’s words resonated. Selflessness and effort.
Another couple, celebrating an anniversary just shy of my aunt and uncle’s, strain to hide unhappiness behind smiles. They are bound by different choices; holding tightly to thoughts of hurt, blame, and entitlement. Looking for moments of selflessness and effort between this couple, I could not find a good deed without a bill of acknowledgment. This truth comes free of judgment, but with the eyes of a woman who wants to step cautiously, mindful of my own path.
My husband and I are novices. Still, I hope this reminder born of celebration accompanies us into our future and that years from now our own photos will reflect a choice well lived. Marriage is indeed a lifetime gesture of faith, an unending lesson in patience, and a journey shared. The gift of selflessness, nurturing one another with kindness and compassion, as well as the gift of effort, ever mindful that each day requires a renewed vow to meet both the predictable and unknown endeavoring to give one’s best. Congratulations to my aunt and uncle on their special day; and to their loved ones whose lives more beautiful for lessons shared.
blank
August 4, 2011 § 2 Comments
I close my eyes and get lost in a song; read a novel and cast my own characters in each role. So, do we need to connect photographs to posts to draw interest?
I intentionally avoided images, hoping to more completely portray experiences with words. Sometimes I feel our eyes distract us from subtle details. Creating images with words became a personal challenge; using language as my medium.
Similarly, I do not watch movies that are interpretations of well-loved books. I prefer to imagine scenes unfolding rather than depend on another’s interpretation to create a unique vision.
This said, with a humble appreciation for irony, I must confess I am drawn to posts with beautiful or interesting images. I find the use of images both inspiring and encouraging as instruments of instruction in food blogs. Some of the photographs tucked into travel blogs draw me into another world and leave me lustful for exotic places.
It is a peculiar contradiction; a picky personal preference I suppose. I wonder if I have overlooked or undervalued the use of photographs in my blog.
big picture
August 3, 2011 § 4 Comments
Family photographs, an image marking one moment on a seamless timeline in a family’s story. When our children were little my husband and I pledged to document each year with a photograph. I procrastinated using countless recycled reasons; each a variation of when I lose weight or there just isn’t time right now. Last year a friend spent an evening reassuring me with words of encouragement, distracting my silent concerns, from behind her camera. Waiting for the images I fussed frantically to my husband what if I look horrible. I hate my photographs of myself. It hadn’t occurred to me the pictures weren’t of me, they were of my children’s mother. In their company I became the best version of myself; my smile genuine and my flaws secondary.
Tomorrow, we are scheduled to repeat history with our second session. I should be peaceful, last year’s experience lending confidence. Instead, I have begun to panic. I spilled my concerns like a much-needed guilty confession to a friend. I lamented my daughter’s intended outfit. I had pictured her twirling in a white dress on a beach; the dress stored safely for months in anticipation. Ironically, there is no beach and her once rounded form has lengthened turning her sundress into a charming tent. Still, I know she will look beautiful regardless. The boys coordinated easily; khaki shorts and t-shirts. Organizing our outfits is really a flimsy cover for my own insecurities. Expectations of perfection and fears of imperfections distracting me from the bigger picture.
One of my favorite photographs was imperfect. Pregnant with our second child, I was determined to embrace what I predicted would be my last pregnancy and indulged in a few beautiful pieces of maternity clothing. My favorite was a pair of black terry cloth capris accented with a black and white strapless top. I remember feeling beautiful and carefree. Later, I realized I more closely resembled the Hamburglar reminiscent of old advertisements from my childhood. The image captured the weight I had unconsciously gained between pregnancies, my self-perception just out of focus in the lens. Still, there is no editing life and the memory makes me smile. It was a happy day; one unflattering outfit could not hide my joy.
On the eve of our family photographs I am trying to let go of expectations, embrace imperfections as part of our story, and focus on the big picture.
scheduling conflict
August 3, 2011 § 2 Comments
My husband and I could live in different time zones for our inability to coordinate our internal alarm clocks. I am perpetually early, he is unavoidably detained. Sometimes our schedules overlap creating momentary chaos; this is how a misplaced minute created opportunities for appreciation.
Running late returning home from work to watch our children, my husband met me at the salon where our children were stoically braving the dismally uninviting peripheral space of women embracing a moment of pampering. The children, overjoyed to see their father, leapt gratefully towards an eager exit. Another stylist, leaning into my chair, murmured her appreciation for my children’s good behavior while waiting. This is not a compliment I am accustomed to, and I was aware the shuffle of little people between mismatched schedules had created an opportunity to appreciate my children through another’s eyes.
Finishing up at the salon too late to take my daughter to swimming, my husband taxied her to class. The tiny details of well-practiced routines were reassigned. My husband figured out how to fix our daughter’s hair into a pony tail. Small thing, but a new moment between them. Another everyday act experienced from a new perspective.
Returning home to quiet, my family detained at swim lessons, I threw dinner together and finished folding a load of laundry with time to tuck them into drawers. Normally I would have run an errand, indulgent or necessary, my mind focused on extracting an extra minute for myself. Instead I was settled and peaceful when my family returned home. Rather than walking through the door to a household bustling with energy and anxious for dinner, I welcomed them eager for their company.
skirting fashion
July 30, 2011 § Leave a comment
I do not understand the evolution of the tennis skirt into day wear for non-tennis playing, errand running mothers. I view the tiny spandex uniforms with the same uncertainty as bell bottoms. Misleadingly endearing in theory, but misplaced in the light of day.
I am admittedly intimidated by fashion forward styles and more comfortably relegated to the casual familiarity of a well-worn pair of jeans, the forgiving elasticity of yoga pants, or alternately the femininity of a timeless pencil skirt or simple day dress. On the few occasions I have stepped outside my comfort zone I was seized by discomfort; my bravado exposed, like a failed Halloween costume, face paint itchy and cracking to reveal the person behind the illusion. I may not be a fair judge of fashion.
So, rather than criticize what I do not understand, I’ll set my judgment aside and ask no one in particular: Does she play tennis?
productivity & procrastination
July 28, 2011 § Leave a comment
When last we met, I had swept through my kitchen gathering recipes in preparation for busy school nights on the horizon. Enthusiasm and inspiration guided my good intentions to the pantry. Overwhelmed and intimidated, uncertain where to start, I sought the comfort of food and the company of procrastination.
I began plucking random ingredients in search of a happy distraction. Collecting everything around my cutting board I sliced scallions and chopped celery, adding them to chunky flakes of tuna fish with a dollop of mayonnaise. Slathering this simple summer sandwich spread between oversized whole grain crackers and vine ripened tomatoes, I crowned them dramatically with cheese broiled to bubbly brown perfection. Perched at my island, I scoured the area for a new distraction.
Noting the fine coating of sawdust from a new remodeling project and the intermittent path of children’s footprints snaking from each door in unchoreographed paths around the furniture and to the stairs I determined this task took precedence over the pantry. I vacuumed and then steamed in my trademark nonsensical pattern of strokes that inevitably makes missed opportunities as obvious as well intended endeavors. At this I sat down for one of those slow, slightly maddening laughs. Near to tears I couldn’t escape the irony of my efforts. For all my false productivity, procrastination seemed determined to mock me.
I am back in the pantry, avoiding the rest of the house.
ingredients & intentions
July 26, 2011 § 2 Comments
I am not a cook, but when ingredients meet inspiration in the lines of a recipe I find the process of preparing a meal therapeutic. Time focused on an act of love that nurtures the body seems to draw out my patience and feed my spirit. My greatest challenges lie in preparation; planning ahead and organizing materials.
Some time ago I purchased a recipe binder to preserve magazine clippings, shared recipes, and printed pages from favorite cooking sites. I tucked it in my kitchen drawer to keep handy and then buried it beneath well-loved recipes and good intentions, my organization lacking rhyme or reason.
Last week when the weather was too hot for outdoor endeavors, I sorted recipes in anticipation of busy school days ahead. Family favorites were given a place of priority, meals that stirred memories were dog-eared to revisit, and nestled between the familiar were new inspired recipes waiting for an opportunity.
Now that my recipes are catalogued I am eager to inventory my pantry for ingredients and intentions.
shelf life
July 25, 2011 § Leave a comment
I love bookstores. Thoughts on paper and stories unfolding in the lives mingling around shelves and over coffee. I love the clean scent of a new book and the crisp crackling of the binding as I nestle into the pages; margins blank for notes and corners as yet unfolded.
Last week I learned Borders was closing their doors. A couple of years back our local Barnes and Noble closed. These two locations just minutes from my home were more than stopping places between errands, they were familiar escapes on cold winter days and alternately hot summer afternoons. My children and I would indulge in a treat and then embark on a treasure hunt for an unknown title. We would return home, proud explorers, each of us eager to tumble into a new story.
These experiences echo the gift of public libraries in my youth. I recall Saturday trips to the library to gather piles of books. Like one having survived the Depression, I would stock pile stories like cans of food, sustenance for a rainy day. I consume words with the same enthusiasm and necessity I breathe air.
As the landscape of retail bookstores change, I am eagerly navigating new spaces. I am exploring small bookstores and revisiting used bookstores; making new friends across counters, building new memories with my children, and sharing a love that lingers on bookshelves.
