pieces
March 26, 2011 § 1 Comment
I peek around life’s corners, anticipating the future while reaching behind me holding on to pieces of the past. I do this mostly with people, bringing old friends into my present like a child holding a flashlight to better see down a dark hallway. Often what I am holding on to is a piece of myself, the connection to another allowing me to appreciate a moment of strength and to weave scattered moments into my consciousness.
In one such moment I reached out to an old friend, a fleeting connection amid a myriad of college friendships, gathering to me a spirited younger self. Amongst the sentimental reminiscing and sharing my friend gifted an accidental moment of grace. It was a serendipitous sentiment that has resonated with me.
We are all broken.
Such a tiny thought, so filled with love and acceptance. Between the broken pieces of a life lies permission to be imperfect and to share a simple truth with loved one’s and strangers alike. Hidden heartaches and private struggles, unifying us with kindness and empathy.
I reached out to a friend drawing to me a moment of strength and found something beautiful among imperfect pieces.
floss
March 20, 2011 § Leave a comment
Sometimes a complaint is a little like a spinach speckled smile, the embarrassing truth realized too late. The source of discomfort overlooked amidst a rhapsody of self-righteous indignation. It is the spinach in my teeth, the obvious truth hiding right under my nose.
I am realizing, within challenging relationships, that the situation creating distress is sometimes less painful than my own failure to step into the uncomfortable moment of conflict and stand firm, present in my own truths. Boundaries as challenging as opportunities, each requiring ownership of fears and consequences. I am working on the daily self-care of acknowledging needs and remembering to give them a voice before faulting others for not acknowledge my needs.
misplaced time
March 15, 2011 § Leave a comment
I keep looking for my lost hour with the frustrated determination of one hovered over a square of carpeting, hands buried in loose threads of pile, feeling blindly for a missing earring. Something as simple as advancing my clock has left me feeling momentarily stranded in time; tired and disoriented. In another couple of days it will be as if nothing happened. Today I am groggily stumbling through my old routine with the grouchy belligerence of someone demanding a refund for a free meal. The irony rests patiently in the future. Come Fall I will step on the lost earring and howl in pain over the extra time, too tired to collect the free hour.
table talk
March 9, 2011 § Leave a comment
We are a family of four, messy and unpredictable in our fragmented mealtime exclamations. I look forward to the sharing between bites as I capture lost moments of my loved ones’ days. The exuberant exchanges are fueled by a simple tradition borrowed from another family. We play Hello.
Hello is toddler speak, translated it means High Low. My husband and I first introduced the exchange when our daughter was two, and the name Hello has become an endearment reminiscent of her early sharing, an emphatic “hello.” Gathered around the table and connected in a moment free of phones, television, friends, and obligations each family member takes a turn sharing a High and alternately Low moment from their day. Some days the effort passes quickly, on other occasions it offers a unique opportunity to be present in one anther’s lives.
We celebrate the Highs of accomplishment with the same energy we channel to nurture one anther through difficult Lows. Our moments are equals. There is no hierarchy by which we measure one another’s joy or sorrow. It is a moment of connection to one another, our days divided we gather and exchange hellos.
standoff
March 7, 2011 § Leave a comment
Big brown eyes gauge me and I am aware my boundaries are being measured against his will. Curious and tireless my son pushes against rules and expectations like a body pushing against the current, limbs heavy with resistance. I marvel at his focus and commitment to concepts held tightly in his mind. Determined to find his own truths and undeterred by others’ dismissal he stands firmly in a space of possibility.
body truth
March 4, 2011 § Leave a comment
I am not athletic. In my mind athletic women are fearless, confident, unabashed and in control. I am none of these.
My first true commitment to fitness was written on my heart. When my daughter was an infant I realized old ghosts of insecurity haunted my body. I wanted to create a stronger, more capable example for my daughter to learn from. Diets, medicating myself with food, and body shame were concepts I endeavored to face honestly and overcome. Old tapes of “not good enough” needed to be unwound and burned.
I began by learning how to eat. I remember the embarrassment that followed me to my first Weight Watchers meeting. The chairs felt like blinking banners highlighting my failure publicly. I decided to own my failure and create an opportunity for success. I kept my meetings faithfully and embraced a simple truth: I was an adult without any true understanding of what I was eating. With each success I felt stronger. Still each set back brought the taunting voices of criticism. When my body plateaued over balanced meals I turned to a new challenge.
My first trip to the gym I thought I would hyperventilate at the threshold of the fitness room; my athletic shoes heavy with the truth of my fear of public failure. Determined to meet my new challenge empowered by the concept of ownership I silently invited strangers to become my witnesses on this new journey. Individual efforts on isolated pieces of equipment crescendoed into a place in a classroom community, sweating and struggling together among my witnesses. I became proud of my body and I respected my newfound strength with every new challenge.
I have slipped out of practice these past two years. Excuses replaced effort and my spirit has been heavy for the loss. I am slowly working to substitute public commitment with private endeavors; creating space and time within the walls of my home for fitness. My new challenge is to honor my truth and commit to my fitness needs as my own witness.
me
March 3, 2011 § Leave a comment
My days can be divided by tidy titles of wife, mother and homemaker. Someone else’s someone, is really simply me. The daily exercise of sifting through my thoughts has given me an indulgent moment of self. Somewhere amidst the memories, daydreams and moments of musing I am centering my spirit. More comfortable behind a pen I am leaving less unsaid and embracing each moment more completely.
surrender
March 1, 2011 § Leave a comment
Cornered by insecurities, anxiety heightened, I raise my defensive walls and stew. Normally. Today, as I felt the first waves of tension tug at my body I refused to sacrifice the sunshine. I scattered my stress to the wind on a walk and breathing in the fresh air evaluated my survival strategy for weathering unkindness with integrity.
We all have individuals in our lives that draw on our positive energy leaving us tired and wounded. I had created a habit of hiding from hurt, immersed in indignation. In the moments leading to an uncomfortable encounter every nerve of my body becomes alert and defensive. Realizing this my sense of security felt false, my emotions more aggressive than defensive. I was arming myself with anger and making room for negative energy in my mind and heart.
Not liking the image of myself this cast I challenged myself to discard hurtful thoughts and to be firm and reasonable in placing boundaries. I am struggling a bit, feeling vulnerable as I remove the familiar comforts of my protective walls and looking more closely at my own thoughts. I am trying to surrender peacefully, in search of harmony.
still
March 1, 2011 § Leave a comment
Sitting together on a bench my daughter and I swung our legs as we quietly observed strangers passing by. Feeling guilty for snapping at her just moments before, I leaned over and said, “I hope you know I still love you even when I am angry with you.” She stopped swinging her legs and declared emphatically, “I still love you too, even when you are angry.” Such a small gesture hiding a larger gift. Our tiny exchange reinforcing invisible boundaries of unconditional love.
love
February 26, 2011 § Leave a comment
In a moment of nostalgia, I poured over my wedding photos. Not the leather-bound album our photographer gathered into glossy cliff notes of poise for posterity. Rather the binder of proofs, snap shots of a day through another’s lens. Candid moments, unposed.
Kindness, generosity, and love highlight my favorite images. My step-father calmly receiving my panic during the short waltz down the aisle. Women whose lives intertwine with mine in friendship offering strength and love in support of my promise. My mother proud and sentimental, celebrating a new milestone.
There is one photograph that I pause over. Alone on a winding staircase, overwhelmed by the organized chaos around us, I leaned into my husband. There is an unspoken plea in the language of my body. Feeling lost and vulnerable I gave all of my needs to my husband in a kiss. It is me asking for patience and seeking shelter. My husband’s image stands tall, accepting and giving in the same breath. I have known beautiful moments of romance, but love is a greater indulgence.
