change begins with me
March 6, 2012 § Leave a comment
Yesterday I wrote about bullying in my son’s school. Frustrated, sad, and angry I vented my emotions between keystrokes. I was angry with the children that victimized my son, sad that children witnessing the unkindnesses did not feel empowered to speak up on my son’s behalf, angry with the bus driver under whose watch the transgressions occurred, frustrated with the school whose hands seem tied with red tape. Then, I accepted my anger towards myself.
The first time my son was bullied I addressed it at home. I treated the wound with words of love. You are a great kid! When other children get to know you better they will see that isn’t true. I created a conversation with questions: How did that make you feel? What did you say in response? What do you think you could do in the future? Who are the adults in your life that can help you? I tried to arm my son with awareness of inappropriate behavior, empowering words, and a plan to seek help. Then I let go. I should have held on.
My greatest regret at this moment is that I didn’t lead my child back to school the first time he was bullied, sit him beside me in the company of teachers and administrators, insisting on a complete intolerance for bullying. I wish I had demanded that children learn accountability for unkind words and that adults treat hateful words as acts of bullying. I wish I had verbalized there are no acceptable excuses for bullying another person. Period.
I have tried to teach tolerance and acceptance, forgiveness and patience in our home. I thought I was guiding my children, creating lessons in resilience. Looking at my son I wonder if I failed to communicate his worth.
I cannot change the past, but I can change myself. I have begun acknowledging my son’s victimization by speaking with other parents, seeking the council of resources within my community, and volunteering to partner with my son’s school to create a conversation about bullying. I am standing beside him, speaking up for him, and giving him opportunities to speak up for himself.
I do not have answers, but I know with unwavering certainty that bullying and hate are subjects that breed in silence.
zero tolerance
March 5, 2012 § 2 Comments
This phrase has been chasing through my thoughts all weekend. Like the chorus of an irritating tune the melody is chaffing at my spirit and the words have become bitter on my tongue.
Last Spring my husband and I sat among a community of fifth grade parents listening to our children’s future middle school principal discuss a Zero Tolerance policy towards bullying. The message we received was that this academic institution demanded respectful behavior, accountability for poor behavior, and consequences that reinforced these values. I remember my husband and I simultaneously nudging one another, a brief acknowledgment of a shared sense of relief that our son would be safe from the habitual teasing and unkindnesses that had haunted his elementary school experience.
In elementary school social behaviors that identified my son as “different” were often used to explain and validate other students’ unkind behavior. My son was marginalized by peers and criticized by adults for demonstrations of individuality. By the end of our son’s fifth grade year our family was eager for a fresh start, an opportunity for our son to be accepted despite differences. The message of Zero Tolerance buoyed our hopes.
Returning home the evening of our middle school orientation we pulled our son aside to share the good news that his new school would be a safe place, reassuring our son we were on the verge of a new beginning. This Fall, we carried these promises with us on our son’s first day of sixth grade.
This weekend I met with a parent after their child voiced concerns over unkindnesses they witnessed toward my son. As we spoke I became aware of events outside my son’s experience that left me frightened and angry for the culture of bullying that is being tolerated in our children’s hallways, classrooms, and bus rides. The silence of victims and witnesses speaks volumes, contradicting and hollowing out empty promises of Zero Tolerance.
The question that I am struggling to answer is this: How do we as a community begin to purge the toxic messages of hate and the abusive messages of tolerance for bullying that are being taught during our children’s’ school day with passivity?
integrity and compassion
November 19, 2011 § Leave a comment
These are large concepts for young children. As parents we endeavor to foster these values, nurturing lessons in everyday moments of opportunity. We demonstrate integrity and compassion with our actions and discuss choices and feelings when life presents examples.
Last night, driving home from an evening out with my husband, I received the following message from another mother:
Just wanted to let you know how proud you should be of your daughter. I was doing a recap with my daughter about the day and I guess some of the kids are being mean to a boy in class. My daughter told me that your daughter apologized to the boy for how mean the other kids were being to him.
The little boy the mother mentioned is perhaps one of the kindest children I know. My daughter has been heartbroken over her classmates’ unkind behavior. We have discussed the behavior, her feelings, and the boy in question, but my daughter’s actions were her own.
I would not have predicted that my daughter’s choice would be an apology. I could not be prouder of her decision. She stood as witness to others’ actions and the boy’s feelings. My daughter’s apology acknowledges her identity in a small community of children that each carry a measure of accountability for the harm against another and a mature consciousness that witnesses to unkindness are responsible for their silence as much as bullies are accountable for their words.
scribblechic 