unassigned
November 13, 2012 § Leave a comment
Tonight our family dining table was littered with assignments unattended while both children poured over a science text book. My son and daughter’s foreheads rested gently against one another as they uncovered new concepts – reading aloud and exclaiming over their discoveries with each turn of the page. Their minds full of material unrelated to what they must do before morning they eagerly, enthusiastically explored new ideas. A moment of unorchestrated friendship and child-led learning untethered by expectations or interference. I dared not blink for fear of disrupting the moment and breaking the spell.
character sketch
November 12, 2012 § 2 Comments
Some days I draw my expectations in shades too dark to invite error. Recently I have more consciously created opportunities for my son to draft his own experiences – the juxtaposition of the man I see growing in the child before me in contrast with my son’s choices. Mistakes loom around corners so visibly I am tempted to tug on the hand that once held mine and pull him from harm’s way.
A preteen age of false bravado and boisterous proclamations of independence have drawn new boundaries, my son is mapping himself in broad statements as he postures presumptuously. Despite his best efforts to demonstrate wisdom and strength, I see a little boy playing at being grown. Each error in judgment a skinned knee, a small badge of pride as he finds his strength in moments of weakness.
My daughter, four years her brother’s junior, mirrors her brother’s eagerness to be cast as capable. Here my children are divided by effort and ability. One is blessed with natural gifts that rest unused, neglected with assumption and entitlement. The other steps around challenges eager to keep pace.
I am learning as deeply as I am guiding. As my children grow into their dreams I am rapt with uncertainty and hope for these characters whose stories fill my days.
in translation
October 23, 2012 § 2 Comments
Speech therapy has been a part of my children’s days and our family vocabulary for the length of their academic experience, beginning in preschool. Their challenges are as unique as their personalities. My son’s needs center around sound. My daughter works to structure her thoughts from jumbled fragments into linear, ordered statements. I can tell you that while I support their efforts to develop these skills for successful lives as adults, I find these imperfections endearing.
Monopoly in my son’s mouth becomes mono-poly, the break in the middle of the word creating a new name that never fails to make me smile. Despite errors in articulation, his vocabulary is rich with words that drip descriptive details. This weekend he was parched and I was smitten. Declarations of misery are well received for the language he weaves into his tirade. When a sound interferes with my comprehension, he spells the word out loud for clarification – adding the injustice of the interruption to his frustrations.
My daughter’s sounds ring clear as a bell, tinkling with an artistic arrangement of thought. She is our Yoda, her sentences often rearranged so that the end is her beginning. Errors in tense create expressions like last night ago or sit be next to me, old favorites now retired from her speech. In moments when words escape my daughter and she is intent on sharing a specific thought she will gather the facts into form providing a visual. For example, when I cut my long hair into a chin length bob she happily reported to others that I had cut my back hair.
My son continues to sharpen his sounds while my daughter shuffles her thoughts into order. I am enjoying the growing ease of communication while holding tightly to happy errors of expression. Most recently my daughter approached me eager for help as she practices writing in cursive. With big blue eyes, serious and determined, she asked if I might teach her to curse. The small slip a playful, albeit unintentional, pun. For me each unique uttering is a memory contrasting innocence with translated intent in the language of my children’s childhood.
giving voice
October 20, 2012 § Leave a comment
I am a nervous speaker, an impossible blush and a wavering voice betray false confidence while racing heartbeats chase my words into self-doubt. Conscious of this personal Achilles’ heel I shy away from commitments that push me into the forefront of a conversation among strangers. This year I joined a committee lead by an administrator and composed of parents across our school district eager to learn more about a change stretching from elementary to middle school classrooms. I imagined gathering notes, pencil to paper, only to find myself raising a hand to lend questions and comments to a new discussion; stretching my comfort zone in an effort to give voice to my hopes, uncertainties, and experiences as a parent in our district.
Our first meeting I created a place of quiet comfort, intrigued by differing perspectives I spent most of that first hour gathering information. It was only at the last moment when another’s comment prompted me to lend a voice of experience which contradicted expectations that I spoke up, my words fragmented among my nerves held together by conviction. We were discussing the application of Standards Based Grading in theory, but my son was a student during a testing phase and our experience was riddled with errors in application that bred doubt in a system I would otherwise embrace. Here, with the weight of experience, I tip toed closer to the discussion hoping my voice would lend awareness to potential challenges. In a system designed to make certain students are meeting academic standards, the standards for measuring student knowledge must be consistent among teachers.
This past week, as we reconvened in a circle of strangers each vested in the education of our children, our company expanded to include familiar faces. Grateful for the reassurance of friends I borrowed strength from their kindness and waded further into the conversation. As we contrasted the traditional letter grades against a system expected to lend a more honest snapshot of individual student performance I was struck by a greater personal concern: how we nurture learning.
The statistics that were intended to demonstrate the inflated measure of traditional grades by highlighting the failure of A students in college raised greater concerns for me as a parent: how students face challenges, learn independently, and take accountability for their education as young learners in preparation for future experiences.
I am still learning how this new grading system will enhance my children’s experiences as learners, balancing our school’s decisions with my values as a parent. I will continue to raise my children with an expectation that they greet each experience with a willingness to learn that embraces failure as an opportunity to grow and education as something that extends beyond structured lessons to encompass individual curiosity. I want my children to be accountable for knowledge above grades and effort beyond measurement. Still I am immeasurably grateful for my place in this new conversation as I challenge my own limits to give voice to a subject close to my heart.
en route
October 17, 2012 § Leave a comment
My days have become a little busier as I stretch my calendar to include new commitments in an effort to embrace opportunities to grow. In these busier moments I have found a wealth of connection hidden in the overlooked minutes en route from here to there. Conversation fills the space of my car that music otherwise inhabits, my children’s inhibitions tucked just outside the perspective of my rearview mirror. Thoughts and concerns, questions and anecdotes, fears and hopes tumble like loose change from our pockets. Minutes of fragmented sentiments lend me segways to larger conversations another time. The unplanned space between commitments have become a piece of an unending dialogue that links each of us in simple, uncomplicated sharings.
space to talk
October 8, 2012 § Leave a comment
Some days I want to unravel a thought, something that has snagged my attention. Other days I am acknowledging a piece of my life, holding it closely tucked inside a written moment that I can return to another time. This morning I am celebrating a day with unceremonious sharing; both children having gifted me a moment of insight into their days. While my children sleep, I am absorbing the blessing of yesterday’s conversations.
Coloring beside my daughter, not a thought beyond the images on our blank page, my little girl said: Sometimes my head hurts from the secrets I cannot say out loud. This thought comes after school days that have ended with reserved and wounded behavior. I’m fine. It was a rough day. Little clues without context until we were nestled side by side on the floor, heads bent over a shared task. Grateful for an invitation to ask questions I let my daughter lead with gentle nudging and reminders that her secrets are my own. The laundry sat in a lumpy pile on the couch, dirty dishes nestled in the sink; beside my daughter with no hurried gesture to multitask I learned everything I needed to know about the shift in her mood this past week. I gave her tools for her troubles, but mostly I was present giving her space to talk.
Later in the day my son carved out space and time for himself. Having been reprimanded for an error in judgement, an act more in line with poor manners, my frustration was disproportionate to the moment. Some days it is difficult to ignore the contradiction of my son’s mannerisms. My love is unconditional, but occasionally my understanding is limited by what I cannot know. My son’s needs sometimes create unexpected pockets of inappropriate behavior for his age. Having walked away from our moment lost to so many doubts, my son found me and sitting down across from me said: I don’t want to drag this out or overanalyze this. I just want you to know that I don’t always know why I do what I do and I don’t understand why other people do what they do. I know I did something wrong and you are upset, but I didn’t mean to be disrespectful. It wasn’t an apology, but it was a timely reminder that my son is as aware of his challenges as I am; neither of us have answers, but we both want to be understood. My twelve-year-old did more than apologize, he tethered us both to the truth beneath the frustration.
These moments, connected to my children and undistracted by the busyness of the day are essential to my experiences as a mother. I want to be the person they reach for in confidence; to guide them as they find their way, sometimes with questions and other times with answers, but always from a place of accessibility. May our home always have space to talk.
fate & friendship
September 16, 2012 § Leave a comment
Friday morning I said goodbye to my daughter at the front of her school. As I watched my little girl walk toward a classmate I noted one of my friends and started to find my way to her side to say hello. I love these borrowed moments, casual conversations that tumble in my path like lucky pennies. On this morning I suddenly hesitated; moving against my normal rhythm I shifted direction heading away from a quick hello toward my first task. In the space between walking away from my friend and beginning my errand I repeatedly questioned my decision. I could not have explained, if asked, why I had forgone this beloved morning routine for an often dreaded task.
Arriving at the grocery store I recognized the stranger walking toward me, another happy accident. Two months earlier I had watched this same woman with her young son and known immediately the familiarity of her story, I recognized the unconditional love between a beautiful Autistic child and a woman mothering with hope and patience. The barista serving the woman on that day had said a warm goodbye to the mother and child, then turned to help me. We casually slipped into a conversation about my child as she handed me my morning indulgence. The barista had met my son and without judgment or pity asked quite simply if my child were Autistic. In the months since, this stranger in a green apron serving custom coffee became a lovely introduction to a beautiful conversation that was yet to happen with a mother who shares my experiences parenting a child on the Autism Spectrum.
On the Friday I traded a playground conversation for a trip to the grocery store this mother, who without words grounded me in memories of days long past with my son, was standing just inside the storefront. Leaving as I was coming, this moment was so fleeting I had almost missed it entirely. We exchanged names and spoke for a spell about the young boys for whom so much of our thoughts, fears, and hopes stir uncertainty.
Two days have passed and this chance encounter is never far from my mind. This stranger with the sweet boy so much like my son reminded me not only of the joys I have known as a mother, but of the rewarding experience of creating new experiences working against the grain with a child whose needs create so many opportunities for self growth. I was also reminded of the amazing souls whose stories have woven themselves into the fabric of my life in chance encounters; casual hellos that grew into lifelong friendships.
The high school friend that was always there, but one day became the singular friend I would miss dearly until the day we realized we were practically neighbors a state away from where we began. The college neighbor that now lives hours away, but with whom I share an unbroken conversation. The woman I met in my earliest days as a mother who shares so many memories of our boys as playmates. A kindergarten mother who guided me through the earliest heartache and acceptance of my son’s diagnoses. A neighbor I didn’t know was a friend just waiting to be found at a pool rather than down the street. A woman I met over the phone when my body was heavy with my second child and hers full with the promise of her first born, each of us restricted to bed rest. A teacher who knew my son first as an infant and later as a pupil, but whom always hugs me and inspires me with the affection of a mother.
The list is unending. There are beautiful souls I have met sitting in waiting rooms at various doctor’s offices and therapy sessions, playgrounds and school events. This new mother, a bright star in a constellation of warmth. We were drawn together by chance, strangers who recognized a common challenge and mother’s love. When I count my blessings it seems there is a greater architect who guides me with friendship to reach my greatest potential as a woman, wife, mother, and friend. Call this faith or fate, my life is richer for the kind, compassionate, wise voices whom I call friends.
keeping thanks
September 8, 2012 § 2 Comments
Today is laundry day and a the discovery of all too familiar remnants of unemptied pockets created a cheerful paper confetti amid a load of clean clothes as well as an amused moment of reflection.
My children’s elementary school utilizes a structured reward system to reinforce positive behavior. Children are given paper tickets acknowledging a behavior that reflects respectful, responsible, kind behaviors. Students are instructed to add their name to the back of their ticket before depositing it into a raffle jar. One child’s name is then routinely drawn from each class and they are invited to spin a wheel that identifies a randomly chosen prize. Naturally this system is intended to encourage children to behave in a way that increases the frequency of acknowledgment, thereby increasing the odds their name might be drawn and giving them an opportunity to win a prize.
My children keep their tickets. My son has moved on to middle school but old tickets still turn up buried beneath piles of books and old papers. My daughter’s are tucked inside tennis shoes, the pockets of her school clothes, corners of her backpack, and nestled amidst the chaos of her room. They keep these messages of appreciation with no need to win a greater gift. In fact, on occasion they gift these notes of thanks to others. Sometimes they turn up in our laundry.
I often wish the teachers that distribute the paper praise could see these closely guarded treasures that litter our home and know that the simple validation of good behavior or act of kindness are prize enough.
animal instincts
August 14, 2012 § Leave a comment
Today the weather was sunny and cool, a perfect opportunity to embrace an outdoor adventure. After a leisurely breakfast I corralled my children into the car and we headed for the zoo. I often dread the parenting pitfalls of this animal excursion. My children have been known to wander in opposite directions or beg for overpriced mementos and nutritionally bankrupt snack food.
Upon our arrival at the zoo, parking had spilled over to adjacent fields of unmarked lawn. As we made the long walk to the entrance I realized we had chosen the Children Free day for Our Day. I scanned the overpopulated pathways and paused, poised to flee. I imagined my worst fears, tantrums and roaming, exaggerated by crowded exhibits. Hesitantly I merged our small group into the stream of families meandering along the walkway.
Standing in front of the first exhibit my children huddled with strangers’ children and marveled at each colorful fish on display. Slowly they moved on to a new population of children at the next attraction. It was an afternoon of shared wonder and I was in awe of the positive, peaceful spirit that guided my children through out the day.
At no point did my children part ways, in fact on multiple occasions they reached for the other’s hand to draw them closer to the moment. They helped one another spy the stubborn species tucked out of sight. They held the door for one another and others. They skipped over food and trinkets eager to see all the attractions; each animal gifted a moment of genuine gratitude for their presence.
My worries were replaced with a peaceful sense of satisfaction. For all the fond memories of my children toddling the same paths directionless and unconscious of those around them, this new moment of awareness for others and controlled conduct was rewarding. In the chaos of the crowds, I quietly celebrated my children’s demonstration of maturity alongside their unchecked curiosity. Perhaps my instinct to worry should be traded for a greater sense of trust.
school days
August 12, 2012 § Leave a comment
School. One word weighted with hope and worry. There was a time both of my children longed for school. They reached for a place of belonging with eager hands and curious minds. Now I feel their hesitation as clearly as I remember their joy. As we near the first day of school I want to acknowledge my children’s feelings alongside my dreams.
To my children, traditional classrooms are a well-defined space of rules and repetition. My darling round pegs you do not fit comfortably in these tidy square spaces. This is okay. Difficult days, moments of misunderstanding and frustration, will challenge your confidence but each of you are blessed with talents and strengths that reaffirm your ability to succeed. Your greatest assets are your dreams, determination, and resilience.
To my son, I see the impossibility of absorbing academic materials while trying to deconstruct social expectations. You are perpetually performing, testing on two planes; endeavoring to model appropriate social behavior while reeling in your need to create sound and movement. Simultaneously you listen, gathering almost everything said in lectures, but lost to the monotonous work that accompanies repetition for mastery. Bottom line: you need the practice despite your intelligence. It is boring, so are many details of daily life. Manage the small details with the same energy you brush your teeth and make your bed. By the way, please brush your teeth and make your bed.
To my daughter, if only your work were graded on effort and heart; there could be no greater measure of worth and yet you align your value by your weaknesses. Spelling and reading, math facts and word problems taunt you while your creative skills and comprehension of life’s greater truths reassure me of your gifts. I cannot dismiss you of reading, writing, and arithmetic; these are skills you need to build. One day these very same building blocks will allow you to create your own story. It feels a long way off, the challenges unending, but there are always challenges when we live fully.
To my children’s teachers, I wish you could see the devotion that burns brightly behind words of encouragement. Challenge them to reach beyond their comfort zones but make certain you see the effort behind imperfect work. Sloppy handwriting and incorrect answers are evidence of effort unedited by their parents’ hands. Highlight where they have room to grow, but celebrate each improvement.
To my husband, meet me at the dinner table for homework. Remind me when I forget that learning begins with curiosity and ends with criticism so that I am patient. May our home be a safe haven for failure and dreams that our children are not intimidated to explore their world in search of possibility.