accidental friendships
January 20, 2013 § 6 Comments
My experiences as a mother are a collection of accidental friendships, unique individuals who lend compassion and acceptance; knowledge and inspiration. Perched quietly on a park bench, between grocery store aisles, poolside on summer afternoons, and in obscure unpredictable everyday locations these women have become companions who walk beside me through my most difficult days with a silent strength and warmth that fortifies my spirit.
Just as I do not use my children’s names in this space as a gesture of respect for their privacy, I also endeavor to tell their stories without labels. Both of my children have special needs that complicate their days while simultaneously providing endless opportunities for me to experience their world with the blessing of unique perspectives.
Before these small wonders made me a mother, I existed in the margins of my own life; lost to uncertainty and individual interests. I curled myself into invisible corners without daring to move into the forefront. Then with an all-consuming love that only motherhood could provide, I slowly learned to step into the noisy chaos of the world. This adventure into vulnerability and need has unlocked the well guarded spaces of my heart and invited accidental friends into my life.
Recently a new acquaintance, a reflection of myself during the earliest days of diagnoses and doubt, has gifted me knowing and insight in unplanned conversations. We lose track of time revisiting the past and unraveling shared hopes and fears that accompany our journey as mothers; the hesitation to relax into peacefulness for fear we will tempt fate to disrupt harmony, self-doubt and uncertainty over contradictory treatments, even practical pieces of our days often foreign to family members are common between us.
When a conversation is interrupted by muffled ringtones each of us reaches blindly with well-practiced efficiency to check our phones, the early signs of worry hiding in the corners of our smiles. There are those who know my experiences as therapists and those who are witness to my story through friendship, but this woman whose smile hides so many of the same fears is a beautiful accident of fate.
quiet strength
January 19, 2013 § 4 Comments
Two women I respect for their generous acts of kindness and emotional investment in their children have lost their way as friends. Each woman bears hurt feelings and I navigate the space between them cautiously, wanting to keep their easy council as our children’s school years stretch across our futures.
Without either party asking me to abandon a relationship with the other, they have made hurtful statements against one another that has hallowed out the pieces of our friendship that used to bring me joy. These women are not those I call first to celebrate an accomplishment or for strength in the face of difficulty, still they are familiar to my days creating comfort with predictable patterns.
This falling apart has created lingering discomfort that I first attributed to exaggerated silence during the noise of school day dismissals. It took me a while to realize it was my own choice of words and silence that has left me uncomfortable.
I am disappointed in myself for not standing more confidently in my own beliefs. In my efforts to reflect understanding I have created hollow conversations that hint at validation. Rather than speak simply I have danced around a difficult subject underplaying my own opinion and alternately projecting my frustration with passive aggressive posturing that makes me look silly and feel contradictory.
I ask my children to do what I failed to model. I did not say what I meant and I have allowed others to make assumptions without daring to speak up.
I want to be someone who walks among challenges with grace and humility creating space between conflict for compassion and communication. I want to model strength and integrity by holding true to a sense of self while accepting others for their differences. I want to move mountains with a whisper.
disconnected
November 18, 2012 § Leave a comment
Yesterday morning I found a voice of humor and gratitude missing from my social network feed. The absence of this personality created a hollow echo that rattled around bumping up against empty statements. What was once an opportunity to connect with friends and family conveniently in the busyness of everyday life had become a measuring stick defining moments of self.
From the beginning I was cautious to contain my friends to family, a handful of friends from my childhood and college, along with mothers whose serendipitous presence in my life grounds me in a community of nurturers; those who share memories and know the sound of my laugh. I loved catching glimpses of my cousin’s daughters or the discovery of a dear friend with whom I had lost touch, casting quick hellos across the miles.
There were other statements I could not unread, strategically coded declarations by friends at odds, extravagant oversharings, and unnecessary updates. I too had created a sense of self with irrelevant facts: what we eat, where we are, what we do and between the lines – who we are, wish we were, or used to be.
This was my weakness, discerning statements of self from word play. Contrasting my days against other’s images and accomplishments there was an element of insecurity for the absence of Rockwellian images in photographs and prose to narrate my story and a presumed pressure to respond to others’ statements leaving my words forced and false for the pretense.
In this light I have taken a step back. Stripped of my likes and status all that remains are a freckling of images and an abbreviated collection of family and friends with whom I am unprepared to say goodbye. Years of fragmented sharings have been set aside like pages in an unopened album. Instead, I am embracing this season of Thanksgiving to acknowledge those whose presence in my life are a blessing and transitioning from online exchanges to a more intimate practice of handwritten holiday greetings.
I am gathering addresses and weighing my words, attempting to let go of one experience for another. For now my account sits bare uncertain of the next step as I balance limiting my account to family or keeping the door open for a change of heart.
investing time
September 22, 2012 § 4 Comments
This week I structured my days more intentionally, dividing my hours with a conscious appreciation for relationships. By week’s end I feel a gratifying sense of connection among those who are most important to me.
I began with a promise and commitment to myself. For one hour each day I gifted myself time to exercise. The practice of running has become an act of meditation for me; in motion I am more peaceful, my thoughts more cohesive. This small investment in myself became the foundation for my week, centering myself before sharing pieces of my day with others. A sense of serenity inspired greater energy and attention to areas where I could improve upon other relationships.
The first realization came late one night while my children procrastinated over their bedtime routines. It occurred to me that my children did not fully appreciate the value of these routines for their father and I as a couple. This week I placed our needs into expectations. I outlined for both children the importance of a healthy marriage to happy parents, identifying the quiet couple time in the evenings as essential rather than optional. I asked our children to demonstrate respect by honoring our evening routines that their father and I may end our days connected with conversation, rest, and sharing.
As a measure of thanks for this time alone in the evening, I recommitted myself to connecting with each child during simple moments like homework, mealtime, and extracurricular activities; each opportunities that lend themselves to easy, unforced conversations. These touch points of our days are necessary indulgences I dare not compromise.
Perhaps the greatest change to my week involved an increased effort to share my days with friends. More than speaking I listened, laughed, and settled into hugs rather than settling for e-mail messages and texts. My absence from home left some household tasks undone, but my children and husband embraced new opportunities to connect as they explored pockets of time together without me. Adjusting my days to encompass exercises in friendship highlighted this area of my life as assumed and overlooked. Loving friends without demonstrating appreciation by sharing time leaves these precious relationships unbalanced and undervalued.
The world did not challenge these small adjustments to my daily agenda. Greeting each day more aware of each relationship my days were richer for the investment of time.
fate & friendship
September 16, 2012 § Leave a comment
Friday morning I said goodbye to my daughter at the front of her school. As I watched my little girl walk toward a classmate I noted one of my friends and started to find my way to her side to say hello. I love these borrowed moments, casual conversations that tumble in my path like lucky pennies. On this morning I suddenly hesitated; moving against my normal rhythm I shifted direction heading away from a quick hello toward my first task. In the space between walking away from my friend and beginning my errand I repeatedly questioned my decision. I could not have explained, if asked, why I had forgone this beloved morning routine for an often dreaded task.
Arriving at the grocery store I recognized the stranger walking toward me, another happy accident. Two months earlier I had watched this same woman with her young son and known immediately the familiarity of her story, I recognized the unconditional love between a beautiful Autistic child and a woman mothering with hope and patience. The barista serving the woman on that day had said a warm goodbye to the mother and child, then turned to help me. We casually slipped into a conversation about my child as she handed me my morning indulgence. The barista had met my son and without judgment or pity asked quite simply if my child were Autistic. In the months since, this stranger in a green apron serving custom coffee became a lovely introduction to a beautiful conversation that was yet to happen with a mother who shares my experiences parenting a child on the Autism Spectrum.
On the Friday I traded a playground conversation for a trip to the grocery store this mother, who without words grounded me in memories of days long past with my son, was standing just inside the storefront. Leaving as I was coming, this moment was so fleeting I had almost missed it entirely. We exchanged names and spoke for a spell about the young boys for whom so much of our thoughts, fears, and hopes stir uncertainty.
Two days have passed and this chance encounter is never far from my mind. This stranger with the sweet boy so much like my son reminded me not only of the joys I have known as a mother, but of the rewarding experience of creating new experiences working against the grain with a child whose needs create so many opportunities for self growth. I was also reminded of the amazing souls whose stories have woven themselves into the fabric of my life in chance encounters; casual hellos that grew into lifelong friendships.
The high school friend that was always there, but one day became the singular friend I would miss dearly until the day we realized we were practically neighbors a state away from where we began. The college neighbor that now lives hours away, but with whom I share an unbroken conversation. The woman I met in my earliest days as a mother who shares so many memories of our boys as playmates. A kindergarten mother who guided me through the earliest heartache and acceptance of my son’s diagnoses. A neighbor I didn’t know was a friend just waiting to be found at a pool rather than down the street. A woman I met over the phone when my body was heavy with my second child and hers full with the promise of her first born, each of us restricted to bed rest. A teacher who knew my son first as an infant and later as a pupil, but whom always hugs me and inspires me with the affection of a mother.
The list is unending. There are beautiful souls I have met sitting in waiting rooms at various doctor’s offices and therapy sessions, playgrounds and school events. This new mother, a bright star in a constellation of warmth. We were drawn together by chance, strangers who recognized a common challenge and mother’s love. When I count my blessings it seems there is a greater architect who guides me with friendship to reach my greatest potential as a woman, wife, mother, and friend. Call this faith or fate, my life is richer for the kind, compassionate, wise voices whom I call friends.
sharing grief
September 5, 2012 § Leave a comment
For as long as I can remember I have maneuvered around the emotional distress of loss. Even as a child another’s grief would suffocate me, reaching into the corners of my spirit leaving me physically spent. Uncertain and overwhelmed I am consumed by the vast emptiness of sorrow, hollowed and achy.
Yesterday in the company of a friend mourning the loss of her husband I tiptoed carefully around the perimeters of her grief uncertain how to lend support. Rather than tuck her heartache into denial and polite conversation she tethered me to the moment with honesty, naming her emotions and mapping her needs without placing a burden of expectation at my feet.
Our time together unfolded into a gift; her strength was greater than her sorrow. We spoke of her husband and children without apology and in her sharing I learned how to become a better friend by embracing her joy as eagerly as her sadness.
to my daughter
August 18, 2012 § 1 Comment
I love the sound of your giggles drifting under your door as you talk about everything and nothing with your friend. I watched you form this friendship under a summer sun, in the cool shallow waters of our public pool just before your Kindergarten year.
There have been days when you and your friend were divided by hurt feelings and days you were inseparably linked hand in hand, heart to heart. There have been times I questioned your connection and times it seemed unquestionable you were both destined for friendship. Watching you grow as a friend and an individual there are two lessons we are sharing as mother and daughter.
Letting go. Despite my wish to shield you from mistakes and guide you towards joy, you must navigate your own friendships. When you hurt I stand close enough for you to find me and wait for you to unravel your emotions until you find the kernel of harm. I balance sharing my perspective with valuing your insight.
Holding tight. On occasion I reach for your hand and pull you aside reminding you of your choices and my expectations. While you choose friendships, I hold you simultaneously to the values we share as a family creating a mindfulness of your own behaviors as an individual within a friendship.
My sweet girl, I wish you friendship that comforts you and challenges you, inspires and celebrates you. I wish you friendship you earn with others you trust. In this world where we use the word friendship casually, I hope you weigh its value with truth and love.
growing up & standing still
June 21, 2012 § Leave a comment
My high school reunion is around the corner, I am navigating old memories and new doubts. Twenty years later it seems as though time stood still, slumbering insecurities have stirred new insights into pieces of my past.
Returning psychologically to a place in time littered with painful memories has highlighted old wounds. The young girl that hid from sadness behind individual endeavors, love stories, and moments of rebellion is cautious to revisit the past. The woman I have become feels compelled to face these truths with the same open mind and strength I ask my children to exercise in moments of uncertainty.
I keep returning to the uncomfortable emotions looking for direction. An emptiness and detachment from my peers’ shared experiences conflicts with deeply entangled emotions to individuals, relationships fragmented but infinitely imbedded in my life story. In contrast to my children’s experiences, I did not grow up in one neighborhood. Watching my children create friendships and gather memories I have become acutely aware of the pricelessness of old friends and the richness of shared history.
Looking ahead to the coming year and the opportunity to revisit a piece of my past I am trying to welcome doubts alongside nostalgia, permitting myself a place for growth; lending myself forgiveness and love for old mistakes and missed opportunities while standing firmly and gratefully in the present.
happy accidents
April 14, 2012 § 2 Comments
Yesterday was scattered with serendipitous moments of friendship and I pause this morning to reflect on the power of a conversation, a genuine moment of stillness that allows us to connect with another soul over a simple greeting. Like an invisible thread fate stitches stories with patchwork personalities; people who share similar journeys, others who inspire action, some who share passion. People pass through my days and I marvel at the blessing of their stories.
In the moments just before school began, watching my daughter walk towards the front doors yesterday, I turned and paused to say hello to a school aide only to find myself quickly wrapped in an intimate conversation centered in the unique challenges we share as mothers of daughters with a common special need that complicates school days. A simple greeting had gifted me a moment of connection to a woman who before that conversation I did not know. Our stories are unique, but the shared spaces inspire an awareness that lends both strength and comfort, hope and celebration.
I was still reflecting on my good fortune when I crossed paths an hour later with a woman I had lost touch with amid the unceremonious busyness of school and home. I met this woman in the chaotic space of preschool activities, sharing conversations on motherhood over park playdates with our children. Between the aisles of our checkout lanes and over her shopping cart we caught up and made new promises to share pieces of our summer vacation at a park. Again, a simple greeting had gifted me the company of a friend; a woman who accompanies me on my journey through motherhood.
These happy accidents of friendship occur with amusing frequency. At the local YMCA on a climbing wall, the outdoor pool under a summer sun, on airplanes, at a local bakery over an order of cookies; in unexpectedly common places I find myself in the company of compassion born of experience. Mothers and children who share a journey similar to my family’s find their way into our lives with a predictability that has not escaped me. Today, I celebrate years of conversations and friendships born of a genuine, unhurried hello.
on bended knee
February 25, 2012 § Leave a comment
Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary, today I am remembering the day I became friends with the man I married. My husband and I crossed paths accidentally at an off-campus St. Patrick’s Day party two years after having met in a college English class. I was dating his friend.
I had conceded to setting aside my studies that evening just long enough to experience the festive consumption of tinted beer with strangers camouflaged in waves of green; my perfunctory attendance a compromise between my boyfriend’s plans for the evening and my disinterest. Biding my time for a discrete exit, I watched with amusement as the boy I was dating engaged the crowded apartment with his infectious good humor and easy laugh.
Then my husband took a knee. We had been classmates and the familiarity of his face was a happy surprise. Reintroducing ourselves my husband settled by my side grounding me in a comfortable conversation. In the coming weeks he would continue to appear on my dates keeping me company. The school year ended as did my relationship and we all parted ways in the early days of summer.
I celebrated a newfound independence making room for myself between work and studies, relishing solitary endeavors. I sent a note to my future husband from a place of independent contentment and so we began a conversation that covered miles between us and created a new journey in friendship.
Long phone calls and handwritten letters documented our beginning, but I always return to the simple gesture of pausing on bended knee. When my daughter sings the timeless refrain of How do you know? I share my husbands willingness to meet me patiently, resting beside me in friendship. This is how I know.