to my daughter
February 9, 2017 § 5 Comments
Tuesday someone treated you unkindly, a new harm in a recent series of unhappy events. This experience of manipulative acts of mean spirited aggression is not new.
The first time you saw a child mistreated, it was your brother. Standing up and speaking out you held everyone accountable to their words and choices. Later you would do the same for classmates when peers were unkind.
It was in elementary school that you learned telling an adult did not insure safety, sometimes it emboldened the aggressor with a language of entitlement and misunderstanding by explaining away unkindness with empty platitudes.
It happened at the playground, in the lunchroom, after school in organized activities, and in living rooms between neighbors.
Generic statements of kids will be kids and vague I’m sure they didn’t mean it. Instructions to turn the other cheek or forgive and forget. We quiet the words that call us to action because they make us uncomfortable.
I failed, too.
When other parents didn’t want to talk about bad behavior, I smiled away the harm with polite silence. Other times I named the unkindness but failed to hold other adults accountable outside our conversations. I let discomfort create a passive permissiveness, but you haven’t.
This week, in the face of unkindness, you voiced your value and insisted on respect. Even when tears threatened to fall and your voice wavered, you knew your worth and you didn’t disappear into polite silence.
You said that it’s not okay to treat others unkindly. Period.
I wish I could say that things will get better, easier, but I can only tell you that it gets harder to stand up for yourself once you settle for silence.
Love, Mom
blame & burden
September 22, 2015 § Leave a comment
I try to allow for a personal frailty in error when I speak in decisive judgments, to invite humility to each certainty. When someone I love is tethered to someone I do not respect, I look for the fault in my conviction; to search beyond the harm for the individual. I want to believe we are all greater than our mistakes.
Today I realized someone I admire is tethered to someone I cannot seem to forgive for an unkindness against my child. It is an old wound, one irrelevant for the distance in time and space from the moment of injury. Still I have carried my judgment without space for the possibility of their remorse.
We do the best we can in each moment with the skills and patience at our disposal. Today I’m wondering if the greater tragedy is to limit our faith in other’s to the boundaries of our experiences. I’m looking for space to trust; to see the complexities of another’s error in the light of a kinder judgment.
sharing secrets
January 9, 2015 § 2 Comments
There is a lovely message of friendship circling my facebook newsfeed; individuals inviting and accepting the challenge to create a commitment to kindness. A voluntary chain letter that promises generosity of friendship with anticipated acts of unexpected kindness.
I was first introduced to this concept last year when an old friend extended the invitation online. My response then was to challenge myself privately to embrace the spirit of my friend’s promise. It was in this vein that I talked my family into a road trip to celebrate the same friend’s birthday; it was the encouragement that buoyed me to take the uncertain first step in getting to know someone I admired and inviting a friendship of sincerity; is was even the borrowed bravery that allowed me to be present for a friend in the face of grief despite a longstanding discomfort that borders on fear of raw loss. The challenge was a catalyst for a perspective that invited greater commitment to relationships often procrastinated in the busyness of everyday care for family and home without compromising the integrity of prioritizing my husband and children before others.
What began in attentiveness evolved into something greater than a singular act, the momentum of kindness created a richer experience of friendship.
This year I would like to challenge others privately to extend kindness to strangers in the same way we offer kindness to friends. I won’t choose an ideal number of acts to perform or a timeline within which to demonstrate this secret conspiracy of kindness in word or deed. I wonder only what change we could inspire if we woke committed to creating an opportunity to practice kindness without an expectation of completion. It is a perspective of generosity that informs a more beautiful community and a more empowered image of self with greater mindfulness.
A secret worth sharing.
color of kindness
October 18, 2014 § 10 Comments
I did the thing I do not do. This morning I shared a message of advocacy in a social media forum that asks friends and acquaintances to exercise kindness and patience for children with special needs in anticipation of Halloween.
It felt natural to share and yet I was unsettled after doing so. I wonder if participating in this cycle of advocacy perpetuates a mentality of other that divides us too much by our differences rather than dwelling in a place of sameness?
I can see myself so clearly in a pattern of good intentions that sometimes undermines goals of acceptance with an emphasis on diversity. Allow me to lend a little background.
Years ago, when my son was first diagnosed with special needs, my husband and I gifted ourselves a year of privacy to process our emotions and educate ourselves before we moved into a position of public advocacy. The expectation of sharing his diagnosis was born of a responsibility to honor our son’s differences openly and honestly, removing the threat of stigma or shame.
Our vehicle for communication was a well-known national charity. This marked the only time we raised money to support a cause directly associated with our son’s needs. We gathered messages of well-wishes and generous contributions in an effort to offer our son a visual demonstration of love and support that he might feel empowered by the army of kindness that celebrated a community of ability.
We were no different before we acknowledged our son’s needs than we were after the fundraiser, in fact we were very much the same family we were before our son’s diagnosis.
That last sentence is perhaps the most important statement of advocacy I could make. Our lives, the action of living is greater than our labels, still we choose our words mindful of their ability to both empower and limit. We align ourselves with diagnoses openly while intentionally advocating privately in ways that allow our family to be greater than a singular cause.
So why the discomfort over my social media message? In identifying causes for kindness I am left wondering when kindness became a cause, something we attribute to tolerance over acceptance.
Is there a color for kindness?
chain reaction
April 18, 2012 § Leave a comment
Today I attended a presentation at my son’s school where students were challenged to actively nurture a school culture based in kindness, compassion, and respect. Challenges included looking for the good in others, setting goals, choosing positive role models, and embracing forgiveness.
The presentation was based on the life of Rachel Scott, a young girl whose life was cut short in the tragic school shooting at Columbine High School on April 20, 1999. Throughout the video presentation Rachel’s family members and peers paid tribute to a young girl whose words of wisdom and good deeds left a legacy of kindness in the wake of tragedy.
Rachel’s Challenge strives to replace acts of violence and bullying with interpersonal connections and goals. I celebrate any endeavor to inspire children to act in kindness and dream big. As a parent I believe we teach by example and I embraced this opportunity to identify ways in which I could model each challenge at home.
The first challenge asked the students to Eliminate Prejudice by looking for the best in one another; setting aside first impressions or unkind thoughts to actively look for the good in others. I tend to identify things I admire about others, friends and strangers, but the speaker cited an example I had not considered: people who bring out an instinctive negative response. I considered people whose company makes me feel negative and challenged myself to display kindness towards those individuals I tend to withdraw from.
The second challenge is to Dare to Dream by keeping a journal and setting goals. I honor the theory that we draw dreams into reality by visualizing them and mapping our journey to fruition. In this way I celebrate encouraging children to give voice to their dreams. Even I could substitute I will for I wish; using language to claim accountability for my goals.
The third challenge is to Choose Positive Influences, drawing on positive role models for success. I am fortunate in that I am surrounded by friends and family who inspire me. As my children’s role model I must consider how my choices and language communicate success. Where in my life do I set aside goals for comfort?
The fourth challenge asked students to use Kind Words and show Little Acts of Kindness. I am challenging myself to be mindful of overlooked opportunities to be kind, bad days when I sacrifice my best for good enough.
Before ending the presentation the speaker asked the audience to close their eyes and envision a time when they had acted unkindly, to own that moment, and move past it in forgiveness with intent to act in kindness. The speaker also asked those treated unkindly to let go of feelings of anger weighing their spirits in negative emotions. Then we were all called to leave old harm behind us and move forward.
The final challenge was to start a Chain Reaction, demonstrate kindness and pay it forward. With that in mind I am sharing these simple thoughts and challenging anyone reading this to consider how they might become a link in a universal chain of kindness in words and deeds.
sticks and stones
February 10, 2011 § 1 Comment
When we are little, adults encourage us to dismiss hurtful words, to brush off unkind sentiments like powdered snow on pant legs. Still, feelings are bruised sometimes before we recognize the wound. Other times we lash out in pain creating new wounds. These sticks thrown in anger or defense land heavy with the weight of stones.
Momentarily lost to hurt feelings some hurl unkind thoughts with an unintentional belligerence similar to indiscernible curse words muttered over a stubbed toe. Hurt and anger radiate outward creating secondary wounds. The victim inflicts new pain making sorry too small a word to bandage two wounds.
When sorry doesn’t fit we stretch our thoughts to cover the space between injuries; each person sharing in the hurt, bonding broken feelings with understanding and compassion. If not properly cared for the wound does not heal in good health, but scars leaving ugliness.
Pain is unavoidable in a life filled with unknown challenges. People are fallible; words hurt and cannot be unspoken. Healing is something shared, a nurtured kindness.
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