scribblechic

I listen to others’ problems, absorbing emotions and weighing my words attempting to offer genuine understanding.  I invest myself in their needs; consciously selecting my words to offer kindness and perspective.  I am learning to follow my own advice.  Faced with frustrations or uncertainty, I am trying to step outside the moment and befriend myself.  Typically I get tangled in my own emotions and over analyze others’ words or actions, distorting the value of intent and feeling hurt.  In treating my own problems with compassion and clarity, I am finding a little peace.

Following a simple formula, universally applicable, I have fostered greater consciousness.  First, I name the problem and my emotions.  Next, I attempt to identify other personalities surrounding the conflict and challenge myself to consider the “problem” from a new perspective free of my emotions or conflict. Lastly, I try to consider how I would advise my children in a similar circumstance.

Feeling left out of social gatherings with friends I pouted assuming I had lost a place of belonging.  Working through this formula lent me clarity.  I named the problem and my emotions: I felt intentionally unincluded which lead to hurt feelings.  I paused to shift perspective, considering my place among my friends’ company.  In this instance, I acknowledged these friends’ connection to one another is a blessing, a source of comfort and joy to each of them; not a source of harm towards me.  Next, I considered how I might advise my children on the importance of friendships and finding their own place of belonging.  My closest friends are not members of an established group, but rather scattered over different towns from different moments in my life.  The absence of those few individuals that know me most completely are the ones whose silence would fill me with emptiness.  My advice: enjoy my time with friends without a need for affirmation.

I struggle a bit with confrontation and as a result can approach a problem passive aggressively, creating conflict.  When my husband and I are at odds this formula has given me a newfound moment of acceptance.  Setting aside my feelings, attempting to see a situation from my husband’s perspective, and allowing my own feelings to have value have created a more equal partnership.  Now when we disagree I try to ask him to name for me what has upset him so that I can see the moment with new eyes.  Often this makes my own hurt lessened as I shift my focus to encompass my husband’s feelings.  In each disagreement I consider our children and the marriage I hope they create for themselves one day.  My advice: be compassionate and insist on respect.

In smaller areas of anxiety I am trying to follow suit.  I tend to resist change for familiar comforts.  I have begun to recognize this and set aside the emotions that accompany this internal conflict;  looking at new experiences as opportunities.  In these new moments I am advising myself to embrace the experience without expectation.

Evaluating friendships, nurturing a marriage based in equality, and challenging my own insecurities are creating a greater consciousness.  Allowing my role as a mother to inform my identity as a woman I am applying the same principles of love, respect, compassion, open-mindedness that I teach my children.  It is easy to guide my children with words, but lessons must exist with examples. For now, naming the problem, shifting perspective, and offering guidance based in kindness seems like good advice.

Tagged: Advice, Consciousness, Friendship, Marriage