scribblechic

Yesterday was enchantingly deceptive, my son’s evening unfolded with ease and I embraced a tiny measure of academic and social success greedily. Today, twirling through my errands my heart lighter for the simple joys of the day before I was off-kilter when  a message from my son’s school caught me happily distracted, defenses down, entirely unprepared for reports of a day riddled with challenges.

While I was checking off last minute holiday errands and visiting with a close friend, my son had run off course at an alarming speed crashing into conflict. My ignorance was indulgent, the awakening abrupt. These moments when an unforeseen challenge mocks a quiet success I begin looking for markers, unraveling available information, trying to piece together a puzzle that might lend clarity and direction. Like a triage nurse I tuck away emotions to better evaluate symptoms, moving quickly to aide.

Today I sought a familiar voice of authority to share the school day’s challenges, guarding my worries behind self-depreciating humor and a smile, my mind working circles around the information. In a rare moment of unpredictable failing there was no easy, logical answer and that reality brought frustration and sadness in the quiet car ride home from school. Despite my best effort some days crash into others and leave me tender, ever mindful of challenges outside my control.

Tonight, as I set aside expectations and tip toe more cautiously around my hopes, I am mindful that my son stands in the middle of the chaos – misplaced and unaware. In truth, I envy his total lack of inhibitions; he is marching happily to a tune all his own and I must remember to hold tightly to his joy least I allow outside expectations to steal a genuine appreciation for his sense of self. He is mine and entirely his own, more beautiful for his flaws.

Tagged: ADHD, Autism Spectrum, Motherhood, Musings, Son