married with kids
August 11, 2013 § 50 Comments
A lecture lead to a book, which resulted in an apology that started a conversation. The lecture was given by the author of a book whose subject is parenting a teenager. The apology came from my husband and then from me. The conversation: how we parent our children with actions and words that create a subtext for love and marriage, respect and compassion. And visa versa.
This belief that parenting and marriage are connected by demonstrations of respect and love, kindness and compassion is not new. In fact, I would say that our mantra as parents is centered in an intentional commitment to Do Better; better than our parents, better than other parents, better than ourselves. We fall asleep mindful of our errors and wake conscious of our goals. Still, in action we sometimes fail with one another to model what we most believe; tired or hurt we speak defensively and act unkindly to the very person we promise to share our life with.
I speak only of my experience, from my perspective.
All of my parenting books and good intentions are balanced by my errors. Kind words unraveled by actions, values disproportionate to deeds. I am the sum of my behavior and my children mirror this truth. I teach as I learn and between knowing there are moments of brilliant ignorance. The greatest lessons in our marriage as parents have been those that come to us as we regained our footing, dusting off the sharp corners of our emotions to see where we fell. For my husband and I, most recently, we found that place in a book that highlighted how we behave in moments of frustration.
If I were to itemize our errors they are last words, criticism, and blame. We balance these with apologies, but the contradictions in our words create doubt. Knowing this, the predictable potential for harm in moments of unpredictable chaos, we can practice new expectations to lend one another the compassion and kindness we endeavor to teach. Where we lack patience we must learn to exercise silence to better hear and more consciously choose our words so as to create conversations that foster greater understanding in place of arguments that assign blame.
Where once we were two, we are four. Individuals, Partners, Parents, and Students in an experience that challenges us daily to look outside ourselves while demanding we look honestly and directly at ourselves. My husband and I are modeling for our son and daughter the partner they may become as they grow into a future of choices that reflect their experiences as our children and witnesses to our marriage. For this, I can do better.
scribblechic 
It may not be a novel or modern idea, but I have a soul-touching belief that my boys will benefit the most from seeing me and my husband simply be nice to each other. As usual, your writing sings its pretty melody right off of the screen. xoxo
Your boys will undoubtedly benefit from the kindness they witness in your marriage – as will you and your husband.
If my words are a melody, then your sweet comments make for a lovely chorus. Thank you!
I agree with you, but at some point we have to remember that our children are individuals, born with certain personality traits. They model many of our attitudes and behaviors, but not all. I know parents who are constantly blaming themselves for something their kids have done, wondering where they went wrong. The truth is, we do our best — and of course we can always do better — but we can’t control the results.
I am so grateful for this particular reminder. Sometimes it is too easy to be singularly minded and loose sight of the bigger picture. Thank you!
I am often reminded of the last few lines of Gibran’s poem when it comes to raising children :
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable
It is important to be consistent even while trying to improve.
Your post is lucid as always.
An insightful and eloquent exert, admirably applied. Thank you.
Throw out those parenting books – it sounds like you’re doing a great job on your own. Good post. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you! I believe parenting is an evolutionary existence; each tomorrow I am wiser for yesterday.
We raised three kids. Each of them different and each took in what they wished from our relationship. You do the best you can and you learn that kids concoct their concepts quickly. They learn to use one against the other unless you stay on the same page. I always let my wife make the decisions and then stood by her. it did not mean she was right all the time, but usually she was spot on. Good luck. By the way our kids are now, over thirty and we have to grandchildren. We try not to guess our children on how they are raising the grandchildren. But that is another step which you will confront in the future.
I agree, we do the best we can and accept that our children are individuals destined to a life we cannot predict. It sounds like you and your wife are still modeling thoughtful parenting by respecting your children’s experiences and decisions as parents. Well done!
I thank you with acknowledging that fact. I have a grandson named Michael. He survived brain cancer and that miracle put a lot of perspective into our relationships. If you want to read about it, it is in my blog, cancer and the miracle. Let me know what you think of it. Best wishes, Barry
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed 🙂 I was wondering when it would happen… your words are beautiful!
Thank you! I was pleasantly surprised and happily humbled. Today was my children’s first day back to school and this indulgent moment of “self” felt wonderfully celebratory.
@…” My husband and I are modeling for our son and daughter the partner they may become as they grow into a future of choices that reflect their experiences as our children and witnesses to our marriage. For this, I can do better…::”>> IF only all parents were this cognizant of this FACT; as you are! And even when a couple is cognizant of this; there are still times WE get caught up we can forget momentarily…The good news? In my opinion at least..When raised with love children grow up to forget the small blunders parents make. They grow up to be awesome & educated outstanding well -rounded young men; who realize their parents were human. But those same sons , once children, also know they were very, very blessed to have been SO loved! I’m sure your children will feel the same way when they’re grown…Truly enjoyed reading your thoughts on this important topic..2 thumbs UP on your write
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. This experience of motherhood has gifted me countless opportunities for reflection, I am a better person for the young souls who inspire me to mother consciously and for my husband’s company on this adventure.
Virtual high 5^
Having had a good 16, almost 17 years of being parented myself (from solely my mother) – I have to say that I think it’s occasionally possible for parents to overthink things.
All the overwhelming multiplicity and intricacy that is a child – a person, no less- seems impossible to mediate and control, and that’s because not all a child’s facets are subject to your control.
In the end, as long as you’re there him/her, and you allow the child to learn, discover and get hurt for themselves (i.e. no over-sheltering) then -imho,- you’ve won half the battle. Apologies if this comes across with impertinence, but I only propose the caveat that sometimes all you have to do, is love with intuition and sincerity.
No apologies necessary. Love, intuition, and sincerity are essential elements of parenting.
I, for one, absolutely over-think my decisions, second guess certainties, exhaust myself analyzing what if’s for which there rarely exists a singular correct answer. I do my best and begin always with love aware that my children will make mistakes, get hurt, grow into themselves even as I continue to grow as their mother.
I only hope that the quieter lessons I model of love and respect for my children’s father inspires them to approach their own relationships with kindness and compassion.
Thank you, for your wise and thoughtful comment.
People are always giving me and my husband credit for what great young adults we raised. Knowing all the times I fell short of the parent I wanted to be, I dislike taking “credit” for my kids. Instead I say something to the effect of being smart enough to have gotten out of their way, allowing them to become the people they were intended to be, and feeling confident that we got “enough” right.
There’s a lot of wisdom in your playful response. As parents we control only what we model, our children create their own experiences.
Thank you for commenting!
I’m confident my marriage is what it is today because I watched my parents choose love every day. As a good friend recently said, “you don’t marry your spouse once, you marry him(or her) every single day.” Thank you for this beautiful post. I do believe the path to health is through loving families.
Marriage is a promise we reaffirm daily in small gestures of kindness and love. I couldn’t agree more. Thank you.
Superbly written! That being said, I have to admit I have never reached out for a parenting book. I grew up in an average family where my mother and father were not perfect…but they raised me in a way they assumed was “the right way”. I am the eldest of my siblings and each of us is very different, yet the same. I may be wrong, I may be right, but after years of seeing them grow up as individuals and raising my child I have concluded one thing. It seems not to matter what example we the parents set; as soon as our little chicks can fly they decide how high, how low, how fast, how slow, how far and how near they want to fly. All the advice that was given to them as children can either be considered or completely disregarded. We can only hope that all the parenting books that were read and/or all the loving examples provided will benefit our children in a positive way throughout their life.
True, there are no guarantees. Every act of love is an expression of hope and faith for which there are no certainties. Still, I like to think modeling a healthy relationship will help my children recognize reflections of respectful relationships in their own choices.
Nothing frustrates me more than my three year old daughter talking back to me…. in the exact tone and verbage I use when talking to her. Dammit.
Exactly, my marriage and relationships with others are a mirror reflecting my choices. For better and for worse.
A most beautiful post, May I also add that a spiritual up bringing can also be a vital part in modelling our children. It helps us as parents and our growing children to search deeper within our inner being, our soul to eventually portray something beautiful in time. Love conquers all.
Faith in something greater than ourselves fosters an appreciation for a connectivity to those around us. Lovely sharing, thank you.
Am told, kids do what they see and not what they are told – this is so true as is your line which says you marry your spouse every day! lovely. thanks for sharing and congratulations.
Absolutely, children hold us accountable by weighing our words against our actions. This is not to say I don’t contradict myself occasionally, only that I wake each day endeavoring to align my words and deeds, intentions and actions. I do and I will are daily promises.
Thank you for the happy, well wishes!
I really enjoyed reading this and resonated very much. All too often I find myself reading blogs or statuses that seek false reassurance by turning ill behavior into a joke. I’m all about seeing the humor in less than ideal situations, trust me. But your willingness to accept responsibility and hold yourself accountable is refreshing. No one is perfectly under control at all times, but I guarantee your effort to be the best version of yourself will translate to your children. Thank you for sharing.
Authenticity is a necessity given the personal nature of my writing. I fail colorfully, with humor and humility, but I hope I never undermine those I love by mocking our story. Thank you for your kind words!
I firmly believe we are sent little souls that will teach us and challenge our dark spots, just as we do theirs. It’s humbling, this parenting business:)
My children came into my life with unique challenges and gifts that have cast light into every corner of my days, making each day richer for the wisdom of our experiences together. Thank you for understanding this personal truth.
“My husband and I are modeling for our son and daughter the partner they may become as they grow into a future of choices that reflect their experiences as our children and witnesses to our marriage. For this, I can do better.” – this really struck a chord for me. I need to try harder. Again.
This post began as a reminder to myself. I am humbled my words have resonated so thoughtfully among strangers. Thank you for commenting!
Reblogged this on GoodOleWoody's Blog and Website.
absolutely wonderful . Parents are roll models for every child . They inherit lot many qualities & traits by simply observing them. In long run , their behaviour , reactions & way of living is effected by it .
Thank you. I would only add, I hope my children learn from my mistakes and are accountable for their own choices.
My father was repeatedly and terribly physically abusive toward me, his eldest child. And, when I left home for college, he did the same toward my youngest sister and did not touch his sons.
I learned early in school…college…that I could rewrite my future life..do life differently and that was my choice. I read a lot of excellent parenting books and raised an awesome daughter with NO physical/emotional abuse…but lots of kindness, empathy, compassion, direction and LOVE.
I was a far better parent than my father ever was.. and, I am proud of that. My adult child never knew fear from an abusive parent. She definitely knew love.
I model love, empathy, kindness and compassion and blog about it frequently..
All of us know what it feels like when love and kindness walk out the door.
I was overwhelmed reading this very intimate sharing. The heartache of your experiences as a child and the beauty of your commitment to parent your daughter with love, empathy, kindness, and compassion is a lovely testament to the power of conscious parenting.
I am proud that I stopped the abuse cold and it did not perpetuate ad infinitum. My daughter will parent her children in a loving manner! Yay!
You should be proud, you have created a legacy of love.
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To comment on your post, I appreciate and agree with your emphasis on self-growth. In sharing parental fallibility with our children, we create room for forgiveness and remove the burden of unrealistic and unattainable perfection – a standard that suffocates the freedom to learn from our mistakes.
Thank you for your thoughtful acknowledgement and lovely post.
Reblogged this on davo.
The greatest lessons in our marriage as parents have been those that come to us as we regained our footing, dusting off the sharp corners – etc. So well put. You have a way of expressing your thoughts that really rings true. Great writing.
Thank you, I’m grateful to be in the company of so many kind and thoughtful commenters.
Ah – the error of last words! There’s one I recognise…
Last words are particularly tricky, apologies aside.