lost in place
February 18, 2014 § 10 Comments
This past year my most consistent companion has been distraction; I seem to muddle through moments misplaced between thoughts and critiquing myself unkindly in the absence of answers for familiar worries.
I worry about my husband’s career or his physical and emotional health; the three have become almost inseparable as he navigates new choices. I look to my son’s quickly approaching milestone as he transitions to high school and question years of intentional efforts that seemingly undermine the confidence I thought I had crafted but cannot seem to find. Then, I look to my daughter, her own uncertainties pulling me further into new doubts.
Meanwhile, laundry gets lost between unfinished loads and groceries are forgotten on store shelves; appointments written intentionally onto calendars are overlooked in my daily routine and habits are shuffled into intentions. Small mistakes unfamiliar to my experience have become anticipated oversights leaving me lost in a familiar place. Eager to redirect my attention and energy I began mapping personal goals from popular posts that highlight what to do, not do, avoid, give up, or hold closely to in order to be productive, content, inspired, fulfilled, and happy. The list of lists creating a sense of desperate disorientation in place of direction.
I am sharing this because in a playfully apologetic exercise in humility I recently confessed to a company of parents and educators this very experience; noisy parental worries and clumsy failures. In the moment I was letting go of self-perceived domestic deficiencies only to be greeted with a most generous compliment; what I deemed as a shortcoming another welcomed as honesty. One moment of imperfect vulnerability created a consensus of community.
Rather than uncovering an equation for contentment in neatly organized lists, I am finding small moments of intimate clarity in everyday accidents of insight. In a world that seems to reward answers, I am discovering a greater sense of self amid questions largely unanswered. Stumbling over errors into understanding with each ungraceful step.
scribblechic 
Oh, goodness. This is such a comforting post. I’m lost in place all the time. There are so many books on how to handle these transitions and none of them come close to helping ease my anxieties.
I have a sneaking suspicion we are all a little lost.
I feel the pits and valleys are part of the beauty of the process. They’re where the real learning takes place.
I appreciate the perspective that comes from a path of challenging terrain. Perhaps, for the moment, the shadows make it hard to see the forest for the trees.
Thanks, Kay!
Small moments of intimate clarity, I think, is all we can hope for. That and small moments of wonder, grace, courage.
I’m right there with ya, sister.
Jen, there is a wealth of grace in “right there with ya.” Thanks!
Timely message and similar to what has been happening here lately. The Mrs. stopped by my office in a panic, unable to find her purse. She was sure she took it to work with her. I told her the last place I saw it (at home) and there it was. I think she appreciates your moments of clarity in the stress of the day’s responsibilities.
There are moments I am torn between tears and laughter over the absurdity of my distraction. It is nice to know I am in good company.
Just discovered your blog – and this post. I found myself nodding all the way through it. I am easily distracted too, and also the one who seems to walk along behind the mayhem, catching, dusting down, and setting people off on their way again…
Those small everyday acts of love; catching, dusting down, and setting right can exhaust our worries while filing our hearts. I wouldn’t change a thing.