adding together
February 23, 2014 § 10 Comments
This week, in the midst of ordinary school day and work day routines, my husband and I will celebrate our anniversary with a stolen moment of togetherness. A calendar day made exceptional for the collection of days past. In much the same way our wedding was overshadowed in consciousness by the concept of marriage; our anniversaries are greater than a celebration of a singular day, they are a culmination of little moments across a year of beautiful challenges that nurture our promise to one another.
Our commitment began with an expectation of family, my husband and I joined our lives mindful of an experience greater than either one of us balanced by the independent value of each of us. From the beginning we were planning for a sum greater than two, but weighted in a sense of self and appreciation for the differences between us. I dwelled over these details as I drafted our vows.
In gathering words into promises I was as determined to map our future with partnership as I was to honor the individuality that first drew us to fill the spaces between us. My husband’s easy humor and certainty complimented my reservations and seriousness. We pushed one another as firmly as we pulled, creating a balance of understanding and curiosity that informed the way we approached the challenges we could not have predicted; premature children, special needs, and professional goals that required a comfortable familiarity with discomfort.
Whatever my expectations, the earliest days of our experiences as a married couple were centered in a selflessness and a practicality as young parents that grounded romantic gestures in gratitude rather than fantasy. Romance was redefined early with small acts of appreciation. Our needs were simpler than exotic getaways or glamorous gifts. A romantic holiday was made sweeter for our homecoming; beautiful jewelry no more valuable than acts of kindness or patience on the most difficult days.
It seems impossible some days to separate my experience in marriage from those of family. In my children I remember my husband and in my husband I am reminded of my children; ours and us often interchangeable. No less myself and yet greater still for my role was wife and mother I curl into quiet moments of self, reflective and uncertain, even as I reach a hand toward my husband for balance or draw my children close marveling at the passage of time; mine and theirs simultaneously.
For all the complexity of our experiences there is a simple math to our experience of marriage; we add together. Each new experience is a product of a series of choices; from the mundane to the momentous we move in a path together that allows for change and growth. We confront conflict, lend patience, borrow strength; subtracting self without sacrificing self.
I am certain there are equally beautiful love stories without children and whose path is built more intimately for two, but as I look back over the years I am thankful for the landscape of mine; ours.
scribblechic 
I love this post – particularly given the start to my own year. It’s very easy given the pace of modern life to forget to make time for each other.
Agreed, Jonathan. Daily distractions tug at our time and exhaust our energy without the restorative moments of connectivity; stilling ourselves intentionally in our attentions.
One of the most beautiful pieces you’ve written… and that’s saying something to someone so poetic. Really, really lovely. Sorta teary, actually, and all happy for someone I don’t know at all who is so beautifully aware of the love in her life.
Thank you, Britt! There is an exquisite intimacy, here among strangers, where we can so safely share thoughts and emotions uncluttered by insecurities or expectations. It is a lovely community of kindred souls and tenderness. I’m glad to have met you among our words.
Happy anniversary to you both.
Thank you, Andy!
Congratulations!
I especially appreciate the observation of how difficult it is to tease apart “marriage” and “family.” 🙂
Thank you, Maurice. Even as I sound out my identity as a wife and mother, it seems impossible to consider I am anything less than my mother’s daughter. There is no unraveling our sense of self from those we love.
This is one of my favorite pieces you’ve written… so beautiful and reflective. Happiest of anniversaries to you and your family 🙂
What a lovely compliment! Thank you, Caitlin.