cart & horse
October 21, 2014 § 6 Comments
There is a moment within a disagreement where communication comes unbuckled and you realize no one is driving, the wheels are broken and the horse is unbound. Words become reactionary and too often driven by factors tangentially related to the discontent we give voice. Underlying assumptions, old insecurities, irrational fears and distracted attentiveness are as problematic as tired bodies and tender emotions that clog our ears with defensive posturing and misinform our speech.
For years I clung to a utopian assumption that within a healthy relationship disagreements are polite, opinions are equal, there is no victor only validation. I craved a submissive discontent where I could avoid arguments for the sake of an emotional equilibrium. My children, similarly, burrow against disharmony. The sound of raised voices and the volley of disagreement wears against their faith in an impossible standard of love.
It is ironic then that in marriage and motherhood I have learned to wade into discontent with a headstrong indignation and stubborn persistence for forgiveness. Home is my safe place to error, to demand a voice with the same accountability I must apologize. I have become bolder, sometimes recklessly so; at times overlooking a loved one’s perspective in search of validation, missing opportunities to care for another while tending to my own emotions. Too often the idea I want so desperately to share becomes secondary to how I communicate; unbuckling the message with emotion.
I am writing today mindful of the mixed blessing and privileged burden of voice; giving thanks for the ability to disagree with love.
In our home love is messy, we error uncomfortably and with a consequence of care. Our disagreements underscore our fallibility as well as our convictions. Our apologies are greater than our words, they are a promise to love and respect one another with a wholeness that acknowledges the brokenness of imperfect individuals.
scribblechic 
I do not enjoy conflict but I will not shy away from it when it is necessary. The alternative comes at too high a price . . .
I wish this fearlessness translated more naturally to other settings where I struggle to push through an unsteady voice – a wobbly pitch betraying the conviction of my message with emotions and insecurities.
I think you’ve beautifully stated the expression of conflict in marriage…and how to deal with it.
Thank you, Janice. I used to worry that the complicated pieces of marriage might disrupt my children’s fantasy of a perfect home. Instead, over time, I have come to use our imperfections as parents to reinforce the impossibility of perfection as individuals and the true work of marriage among flawed, but accountable individuals creating a union.
If it were that way in all walks we would live in such a better place. Sadly, though, outside our safe confines, ego, mistrust and closed minds so often rule. Still, though, there is always room to take the chance and tread forward with an attitude of honesty and openness. It does not always work, sure, there are times we gain new scars from the encounters. On balance, though, the risk is worth it.
I think if we can first be raw and vulnerable in our truth at home, it makes us braver to move authentically in the world outside our doorstep; fortifying our sense of self with a wealth of love.