inherent loss
November 2, 2014 § 8 Comments
Some days I wonder at the legacy of loss that clusters against the sunshine of my children’s memories. Toxic family tendencies, cycles of unkindness that have caused my husband and I to build boundaries around our children’s experiences. Gone are the holidays of make-believe where we would shuffle frayed emotions beneath the gloss of traditions, suspending disbelief long enough to pretend we were something other.
Addiction and illness, patterns of abuse with narcissistic undertones and violent mood swings have broken the fragile facade we struggled to build for our children. For years we guarded family secrets with the same committed silence that informed other mythological hallmarks of holidays past. No longer.
As our children mature into relationships of their own we have begun to identify markers of self-respect and unconditional love with an unapologetic expectation of self-worth; hoping to inform a balance of self and other so that our children continue to love with measures of acceptance and forgiveness that do not assume a debt of harm.
We inherited a measure of heartache we cannot will our children, with this knowledge comes a new grief and a wealth of peace as we approach a season of thanksgiving.
scribblechic 
Beautifully stated: the sadness of loss coupled to the conviction that your little bubble needs protection. All of these emotions bubble up over the holidays. After children, I announced I would never travel for Christmas. It’s too precious to me.
My children’s childhood is sacred and all together too fleeting to sacrifice our serenity. This is my new mindset, to preserve a place of peace.
Beautiful presented such deep experience between the sadness, sacrifice and new journey!
Thank you. I think it’s important to hold a moment in its entirety and then embrace a perspective that honors a chosen path.
Too often I encounter young people who, through circumstances beyond their control, are destined to remain on a path through life that is not the optimal one for them. Yes, there is free will and yes, we are free agents in this world, but sadly there is only so much an individual can do when forced to act alone. With the loving support of parents, friends and members of the community, though, positive changes–you may term them miracles if you wish–are within the realm of possibility.
In this instance my husband and I are struggling against preserving a fallacy of family with empty acts of togetherness and guarding our children from destructive relationships. For some time we have distanced ourselves from contact with individuals I would rather honor here with anonymity, minimizing our children’s exposure and risk of harm, but the behavior has become so emotionally and mentally abusive that we can no longer share the same space without placing our children in a position of vulnerability. It is a heartbreaking reality that challenges our identity as children and integrity as parents.
An unfortunately reality. While, in many cases rational, respectful discussion can result in significant changes, in many instances, such as the one you’re describing, you’re unlikely to see much change for the better. Empathy–a necessity for rationality to work–is lacking and you can not provide it for both parties in the discussion! Far better to attempt to change the circle of friends to include less of that type and more of those with a better grasp of the essential concept of unconditional love. As far as they are concerned, it’s been my experience that failing to play along with their games–jabs, insults, innuendos etc–is in your best interest.
I have found that the further we move outside the cycle of behavior, the greater the aggression; blame and deceit that would seemingly beg defensiveness or spawn anger have instead bound my husband and I consciously to decisions based in love and respect with no ill will or malice.