planning perfect
January 5, 2016 § 5 Comments
Maybe it was my children returning to school from vacation or my son’s impending semester finals, but yesterday I was caught off guard by the memory of my younger self struggling against impossible expectations and an accidental legacy of self-inflicted inadequacy.
I remembered early school days past, scribing my work with plans to intentionally redo my efforts for a performance of perfection. Wanting to reframe my work into something exemplary, postponing completion for the anticipation of something better only to feel overwhelmed by the impossibility of the task I burdened myself with.
I do this still.
I plan to eat with greater consciousness and exercise more consistently in anticipation of reshaping myself to wear a dress hidden dismissively among an unexceptional wardrobe of invisibility. I schedule time with friends to allow time enough to clean up the honesty of my space for the image of the life I plan to live when I am more organized. I procrastinate my dreams for uncertain qualifications.
Then, with predictable consistency, tomorrow arrives dressed as today in yesterday’s intentions. Time is too costly a barter for perfection.
I wish I could whisper in my elementary ear to finish homework the best I could and move on so as not to squander my time on a lost task. That sweet girl grew up assuming her best would inevitably fall short of acceptable. I want her to wear the dress that makes her feel beautiful without first waiting on a different reflection and invite company without worrying her home is not properly tended. I want her to dream out loud and expect struggle even in the pursuit of joy.
Not every effort is beautiful, but lost opportunities supplement dreams with remorse.
Today I’m working on a more forgiving expectation of self that I might unburden my actions of unkind standards.
scribblechic 
So true Marie, it is in accepting ourselves and knowing we ARE doing our best and accepting ourselves exactly as we are.
The expectations of ourselves, that is usually pressed from a parent (and sometimes unintentionally because that is how they grew up), follows us ever onward.
The journey is to realise we are very loving, just by being ourselves.
In the end, that is all our children want.
Great post, I’m impressed with your honesty from within. It is allowing you to heal as you express from a place that you ‘know’ is your truth.
Not an easy thing to do…but doing it well 🙂
Thank you, Mark. I have much to learn, but that’s something I wouldn’t change.
That is what it is all about Marie, you’ve had the courage to look within and want to change…for you.
And in doing so you naturally then give that beautiful spirit out to others. It is the only pure win/win situation in this world 🙂
Oh, this one tugs at my heartstrings. I found a kinder inner voice a few years ago during complete chaos. Thank goodness. And it’s still here, but I have to remind myself to use it instead of the critical one that likes to play in my head also. Rooting for you.
Kay, I think we’ve chased this topic before. Was that you who called those voices of criticism the “screaming meanies?”