fate & friendship

September 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

Friday morning I said goodbye to my daughter at the front of her school. As I watched my little girl walk toward a classmate I noted one of my friends and started to find my way to her side to say hello. I love these borrowed moments, casual conversations that tumble in my path like lucky pennies. On this morning I suddenly hesitated; moving against my normal rhythm I shifted direction heading away from a quick hello toward my first task. In the space between walking away from my friend and beginning my errand I repeatedly questioned my decision. I could not have explained, if asked, why I had forgone this beloved morning routine for an often dreaded task.

Arriving at the grocery store I recognized the stranger walking toward me, another happy accident. Two months earlier I had watched this same woman with her young son and known immediately the familiarity of her story, I recognized the unconditional love between a beautiful Autistic child and a woman mothering with hope and patience. The barista serving the woman on that day had said a warm goodbye to the mother and child, then turned to help me. We casually slipped into a conversation about my child as she handed me my morning indulgence. The barista had met my son and without judgment or pity asked quite simply if my child were Autistic. In the months since, this stranger in a green apron serving custom coffee became a lovely introduction to a beautiful conversation that was yet to happen with a mother who shares my experiences parenting a child on the Autism Spectrum.

On the Friday I traded a playground conversation for a trip to the grocery store this mother, who without words grounded me in memories of days long past with my son, was standing just inside the storefront. Leaving as I was coming, this moment was so fleeting I had almost missed it entirely. We exchanged names and spoke for a spell about the young boys for whom so much of our thoughts, fears, and hopes stir uncertainty.

Two days have passed and this chance encounter is never far from my mind. This stranger with the sweet boy so much like my son reminded me not only of the joys I have known as a mother, but of the rewarding experience of creating new experiences working against the grain with a child whose needs create so many opportunities for self growth. I was also reminded of the amazing souls whose stories have woven themselves into the fabric of my life in chance encounters; casual hellos that grew into lifelong friendships.

The high school friend that was always there, but one day became the singular friend I would miss dearly until the day we realized we were practically neighbors a state away from where we began. The college neighbor that now lives hours away, but with whom I share an unbroken conversation. The woman I met in my earliest days as a mother who shares so many memories of our boys as playmates. A kindergarten mother who guided me through the earliest heartache and acceptance of my son’s diagnoses. A neighbor I didn’t know was a friend just waiting to be found at a pool rather than down the street. A woman I met over the phone when my body was heavy with my second child and hers full with the promise of her first born, each of us restricted to bed rest. A teacher who knew my son first as an infant and later as a pupil, but whom always hugs me and inspires me with the affection of a mother.

The list is unending. There are beautiful souls I have met sitting in waiting rooms at various doctor’s offices and therapy sessions, playgrounds and school events. This new mother, a bright star in a constellation of warmth. We were drawn together by chance, strangers who recognized a common challenge and mother’s love. When I count my blessings it seems there is a greater architect who guides me with friendship to reach my greatest potential as a woman, wife, mother, and friend. Call this faith or fate, my life is richer for the kind, compassionate, wise voices whom I call friends.

busy body

September 14, 2012 § Leave a comment

The past two weeks have felt a little frenzied, my predictable pattern of activities adjusted to accommodate additional commitments. The experience of stepping outside my routine lent me an occasion to reflect on the busyness.

The first adjustment came in the form of a fall fundraising activity for my daughter’s elementary school where I joined Kindergarten classrooms, encouraging pint-sized Picassos to create concrete manifestations of their limitless imaginations. Colorful conversations over crayon sketches were charming compilations of curious questions and unedited statements of self. This happy diversion from my daily tasks shifted the balance of quieter, individual pursuits and I quickly sacrificed morning runs along with errands.

The sound of the school bell seemed to mock me as I then raced to scavenge our kitchen for meals. Having lost the time I often use to gather ingredients for a more spontaneous menu, I found myself planning ahead for family dinner. I was planning my time and moving more productively, but something was missing from the new routine.

I cut short the nagging at my subconscious that I was overlooking an essential piece of my days and pushed forward determinedly. Our long standing quiet school nights were turned upside down by enrolling both children in extracurricular activities. In an effort to create opportunities for individual interests to balance the expectations of academics we allowed each child to select one physical activity and one social activity. We are learning to divide our time between homework, family dinners, play, and practice. This adjustment has underscored my need for patience and the absence of stillness.

As we approached the weekend, we supplemented lazy afternoons for time with friends in an effort to recapture lingering pieces of summer.  After a busy week this meant letting go of housekeeping expectations for homemaking efforts, spending more attention on the quality of time shared rather than the appearance of a perfectly maintained house. I relaxed into time with friends aware the work of our home was undone.

Last night I attended a committee meeting for a school-parent topic, finding my way into another new experience. Facing a personal fear of public speaking, I set aside my nerves  placing myself in a more vulnerable position in the interest of an honest dialogue with strangers. Where normally I weigh my thoughts in writing, in this new setting I am trusting others to listen while I sound out my uncertainties.

Returning home from the meeting, at the end of these busy weeks, I measured my tired mind, body, and spirit conscious that despite my best intentions to challenge and inspire each of my family to embrace full days I had lost valuable pieces of my routine that lend me resilience and center my actions; simple acts of self-care amid the busyness of the day. I have learned I must create an unbending structure of care allowing therapeutic moments of stillness and meditative movement. Time among friends must be balanced with time alone; pausing to exercise, read, and write are essential to my well-being. In the busyness of these past weeks happy discoveries and an appreciation for change has fostered a greater awareness of self. I needed to make room for new activities to appreciate the absence of activity. I needed to make peace with discomfort to become more comfortable with new endeavors. I need to allow myself moments of happiness on busy days ever mindful of the value of time.

falling in love

September 9, 2012 § 2 Comments

In the space of a day the air has grown cooler beneath brilliant blue skies and my heart is tumbling enthusiastically over forgotten favorites. I linger a little longer over my coffee, slip beneath layers of comfortable clothing, and move more leisurely unhindered by the weight of humidity. I am as much a warm weather spirit as an early morning riser, but the crisp tones of Autumn are like an unexpected visit from a misplaced childhood friend. I think I will settle into a corner and get lost in a book, under a blanket and over a sleepy Sunday morning.

keeping thanks

September 8, 2012 § 2 Comments

Today is laundry day and a the discovery of all too familiar remnants of unemptied pockets created a cheerful paper confetti amid a load of clean clothes as well as an amused moment of reflection.

My children’s elementary school utilizes a structured reward system to reinforce positive behavior. Children are given paper tickets acknowledging a behavior that reflects respectful, responsible,  kind behaviors. Students are instructed to add their name to the back of their ticket before depositing it into a raffle jar. One child’s name is then routinely drawn from each class and they are invited to spin a wheel that identifies a randomly chosen prize. Naturally this system is intended to encourage children to behave in a way that increases the frequency of acknowledgment, thereby increasing the odds their name might be drawn and giving them an opportunity to win a prize.

My children keep their tickets. My son has moved on to middle school but old tickets still turn up buried beneath piles of books and old papers. My daughter’s are tucked inside tennis shoes, the pockets of her school clothes, corners of her backpack, and nestled amidst the chaos of her room. They keep these messages of appreciation with no need to win a greater gift. In fact, on occasion they gift these notes of thanks to others. Sometimes they turn up in our laundry.

I often wish the teachers that distribute the paper praise could see these closely guarded treasures that litter our home and know that the simple validation of good behavior or act of kindness are prize enough.

personally, impersonal

September 8, 2012 § Leave a comment

There are moments of injury, unintended, whose wounds create tiny cracks in a smooth facade. Sitting in my daughter’s classroom for curriculum night my heart swelled with tiny injustices. As the teachers outlined cleaver ways to incorporate writing, reading, and math facts into the home environment to nurture skills that create academic success my head spun with my daughter’s reality. Sitting nestled between her peers’ parents balanced on tiny chairs around neatly gathered desks I felt the discomfort my daughter has so often expressed experiencing in her classrooms. The sense of otherness that creates embarrassment and shame, suffocating joy and challenging confidence.

The teachers encouraged us to use math in practical settings and in moments of stillness. Similarly they invited us to have our children write letters and make lists to practice writing. I wanted to raise my hand and proudly site each instance of such practice in our home, to celebrate our love of learning. Instead anger and shame licked at my mood, it seems unfair that my daughter who is never without a book, a pencil, or a quick calculation stands just far enough behind her peers to feel the shadow of failure before the light of success.

I guide my daughter with words of encouragement and unwavering faith in her abilities, keeping my own frustration reserved for these moments of written reflection. Until curriculum night. Rather than tuck my emotions beneath polite conversation I drafted a letter to my daughter’s teacher outlining my daughter’s efforts and expressing honestly and openly our shared frustration in search of compassion and patience.

This year will march forward with new challenges and old frustrations, but I am making room for friendship in our partnership between home and school. Just as my daughter’s teachers outlined simple activities to nurture academics, I shared simple gestures of kindness to foster greater emotional support for the little girl hiding her fears behind a tiny desk. Making the impersonal, personal.

speaking with actions

September 7, 2012 § 2 Comments

Yesterday I attended a much anticipated lecture by a woman whose work has inspired and facilitated countless efforts to translate the unspoken language of social rules for my son. Accompanying me to the event was my endearingly, frustratingly, socially ambivalent child. Happily lost to his own interests and lonely for friendship we dance endlessly around the subject of social needs.

The speaker’s social lessons were simple and at their most basic reinforced the universal importance of interpersonal relationships by highlighting practical examples: family dinners, gestures of kindness without structured rewards, clearly outlined expectations to create successful communication. Then she added a contemporary twist to the practice of social interactions by shifting the audience’s attention to encompass technology. Here the lesson challenged my own social practices.

In so many ways I allow the conveniences of e-mail, writing, texting, and social media to lend me safely guarded moments of sharing. Even my most intimate thoughts are filtered by the conscious act of typing. These moments however important are void of the human experience of body language. The lesson was beautifully illustrated on a day shared well among others.

My morning began at the breakfast table with my children and a goodbye kiss from my husband. A borrowed moment in my son’s school lead to a conversation with another mother and later the company of young artists as they colored outside the lines for a school fundraising project. Near the end of the day I met my children at the table for dinner before visiting old friends en route to the lecture. The sound of laughter, the weight of hugs, and the unguarded creativity of young minds had filled my day with tangible examples of the importance of social exchanges. My daily keystrokes sounded hollow against so many conversations and laughter.

This is not an accurate representation of a typical weekday for me. I tend to balance independent tasks and family time, keeping time with friends separate. I am certain this pattern originated out of a simple need to manage tasks efficiently and prioritize time with family, but it occurred to me I am not modeling the social lessons I endeavor to teach and miscommunicating the value of my relationships.

Embracing this realization I am making a simple promise to myself to take more care to teach social lessons with actions as clearly as words; to make visible what I so often try to conjure with thoughts. Speaking with actions.

sharing grief

September 5, 2012 § Leave a comment

For as long as I can remember I have maneuvered around the emotional distress of loss. Even as a child another’s grief would suffocate me, reaching into the corners of my spirit leaving me physically spent. Uncertain and overwhelmed I am consumed by the vast emptiness of sorrow, hollowed and achy.

Yesterday in the company of a friend mourning the loss of her husband I tiptoed carefully around the perimeters of her grief uncertain how to lend support. Rather than tuck her heartache into denial and polite conversation she tethered me to the moment with honesty, naming her emotions and mapping her needs without placing a burden of expectation at my feet.

Our time together unfolded into a gift; her strength was greater than her sorrow. We spoke of her husband and children without apology and in her sharing I learned how to become a better friend by embracing her joy as eagerly as her sadness.

word problem

September 1, 2012 § 2 Comments

Two nights ago my daughter and I, our heads bent over a piece of classwork, slowly deconstructed the language of a math exercise; painstakingly translating the problem from words into numbers. After cautiously guiding my daughter in a way that allowed her to lead, my daughter crumbled. I was the only one in my group that didn’t know what to do.

If life were a math lesson, in this equation: Knowing was greater than Learning. In my mind, Learning is the product of Not Knowing and Trying.

This may be a difficult year for my youngest scholar. She must become more comfortable with accepting what does not come easily and embracing uncertainty. I feel her anxiety as clearly as I recognize her ability. She will, she can, she is able.

I am marking this moment for her to better gauge her growth and to celebrate the value of her effort in days to come.

friend.ing

September 1, 2012 § Leave a comment

There is something unquestionably tempting about traveling across years and miles to connect with friends courtesy of a click. This past week I confronted pieces of myself, insecurities exaggerated by uncertainties, online.

I won’t add to the humility of my momentary insanity by elaborating on the absurdity of my self-induced pity party, or the panicked plea for reassurance. Suffice to say the novelty of social networking began to blur into something generically personal. In a moment not unlike a curiously distorted fun house mirror, I looked deeper into the odd representation for clarity.

I am taking a break from adding friends, maintaining status updates, and commenting on every post in exchange for holding more tightly to those who know the sound of my laughter. I want to have private conversations in person and write letters to those whose paths wind too far outside the routines of my days. There is nothing novel in this sharing, only a gentle reminder to myself that the moments that become memories are shared, friendship is written on our hearts not our walls.

bedtime stories

August 28, 2012 § 4 Comments

Last night my son was performing his weekly chore of taking the garbage and recycling to our curb. I joined him curious to see how he wrestled the weight of the bulky containers  over the patch of grass. I knew he was capable, the containers are present and accounted for most Tuesday mornings. After maneuvering the first container with his own well established routine of rotating movements my son stopped and stared at the sky. Look Mom, isn’t the moon particularly beautiful tonight?

I couldn’t see the moon for the trees and had to move to find the brilliant ball illuminating the sky. It was a small moment, but a lovely reminder of my son’s blessings. This is the piece of his personality I am humbled by. Regardless of the events of the day he finds beauty and shares the moment eager to connect.

As predictably as my son finds beauty in everyday routines and meditates in a moment of appreciation, my daughter creates laughter and music.

Bath time is a lengthy and often messy production. My daughter plays beneath the shower and under the bath water with an eclectic collection of household items and toys. Last night, while handing her a towel, she proudly exclaimed, I hid the dirty elephant. I mean the evidence. I didn’t find the elephant, but I wanted to clap for the happy accidents of childhood language that linger in our home.

And then we danced. Dressed in her pajamas our daughter guided my husband and I in a new song, marching through the coordinating gestures from a music class routine.  Off key and out of time we stole a few more minutes of daytime from the moon and I gave thanks for precious gifts of time with my favorite people and the boundless joy they bring me.

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