nonsense
March 12, 2011 § 1 Comment
Most days my world echos the hazy, transient space of a dream moments before consciousness. Like Alice, having fallen through the rabbit hole, my responsibilities tower precariously around me making me feel small and lost. I wander through my day absorbed in discovery and chasing after an ideal.
Housekeeping and meal planning, parent organizations and children’s activities are a never-ending tea party. I return to the table each day a guest of routine. I marvel at the limitlessness of motherhood, each moment of our days precariously tied to the promise of empowering confident, capable children through the riddle of simple tasks familiar across generations.
I squeeze myself into moments steeped in tradition, like unfamiliar games whose rules have been replaced with unwritten expectations. I stumble into awareness, reveling in discovery as new questions emerge.
Responsibility follows me like a grinning cat perched in amusement over my curious fumbling. I wonder if my mother and grandmothers felt lost or overwhelmed. I welcome each new mother I meet to this place of beautiful nonsense where almost everything means something, some things nothing, and others everything.
table talk
March 9, 2011 § Leave a comment
We are a family of four, messy and unpredictable in our fragmented mealtime exclamations. I look forward to the sharing between bites as I capture lost moments of my loved ones’ days. The exuberant exchanges are fueled by a simple tradition borrowed from another family. We play Hello.
Hello is toddler speak, translated it means High Low. My husband and I first introduced the exchange when our daughter was two, and the name Hello has become an endearment reminiscent of her early sharing, an emphatic “hello.” Gathered around the table and connected in a moment free of phones, television, friends, and obligations each family member takes a turn sharing a High and alternately Low moment from their day. Some days the effort passes quickly, on other occasions it offers a unique opportunity to be present in one anther’s lives.
We celebrate the Highs of accomplishment with the same energy we channel to nurture one anther through difficult Lows. Our moments are equals. There is no hierarchy by which we measure one another’s joy or sorrow. It is a moment of connection to one another, our days divided we gather and exchange hellos.
standoff
March 7, 2011 § Leave a comment
Big brown eyes gauge me and I am aware my boundaries are being measured against his will. Curious and tireless my son pushes against rules and expectations like a body pushing against the current, limbs heavy with resistance. I marvel at his focus and commitment to concepts held tightly in his mind. Determined to find his own truths and undeterred by others’ dismissal he stands firmly in a space of possibility.
body truth
March 4, 2011 § Leave a comment
I am not athletic. In my mind athletic women are fearless, confident, unabashed and in control. I am none of these.
My first true commitment to fitness was written on my heart. When my daughter was an infant I realized old ghosts of insecurity haunted my body. I wanted to create a stronger, more capable example for my daughter to learn from. Diets, medicating myself with food, and body shame were concepts I endeavored to face honestly and overcome. Old tapes of “not good enough” needed to be unwound and burned.
I began by learning how to eat. I remember the embarrassment that followed me to my first Weight Watchers meeting. The chairs felt like blinking banners highlighting my failure publicly. I decided to own my failure and create an opportunity for success. I kept my meetings faithfully and embraced a simple truth: I was an adult without any true understanding of what I was eating. With each success I felt stronger. Still each set back brought the taunting voices of criticism. When my body plateaued over balanced meals I turned to a new challenge.
My first trip to the gym I thought I would hyperventilate at the threshold of the fitness room; my athletic shoes heavy with the truth of my fear of public failure. Determined to meet my new challenge empowered by the concept of ownership I silently invited strangers to become my witnesses on this new journey. Individual efforts on isolated pieces of equipment crescendoed into a place in a classroom community, sweating and struggling together among my witnesses. I became proud of my body and I respected my newfound strength with every new challenge.
I have slipped out of practice these past two years. Excuses replaced effort and my spirit has been heavy for the loss. I am slowly working to substitute public commitment with private endeavors; creating space and time within the walls of my home for fitness. My new challenge is to honor my truth and commit to my fitness needs as my own witness.
me
March 3, 2011 § Leave a comment
My days can be divided by tidy titles of wife, mother and homemaker. Someone else’s someone, is really simply me. The daily exercise of sifting through my thoughts has given me an indulgent moment of self. Somewhere amidst the memories, daydreams and moments of musing I am centering my spirit. More comfortable behind a pen I am leaving less unsaid and embracing each moment more completely.
surrender
March 1, 2011 § Leave a comment
Cornered by insecurities, anxiety heightened, I raise my defensive walls and stew. Normally. Today, as I felt the first waves of tension tug at my body I refused to sacrifice the sunshine. I scattered my stress to the wind on a walk and breathing in the fresh air evaluated my survival strategy for weathering unkindness with integrity.
We all have individuals in our lives that draw on our positive energy leaving us tired and wounded. I had created a habit of hiding from hurt, immersed in indignation. In the moments leading to an uncomfortable encounter every nerve of my body becomes alert and defensive. Realizing this my sense of security felt false, my emotions more aggressive than defensive. I was arming myself with anger and making room for negative energy in my mind and heart.
Not liking the image of myself this cast I challenged myself to discard hurtful thoughts and to be firm and reasonable in placing boundaries. I am struggling a bit, feeling vulnerable as I remove the familiar comforts of my protective walls and looking more closely at my own thoughts. I am trying to surrender peacefully, in search of harmony.
still
March 1, 2011 § Leave a comment
Sitting together on a bench my daughter and I swung our legs as we quietly observed strangers passing by. Feeling guilty for snapping at her just moments before, I leaned over and said, “I hope you know I still love you even when I am angry with you.” She stopped swinging her legs and declared emphatically, “I still love you too, even when you are angry.” Such a small gesture hiding a larger gift. Our tiny exchange reinforcing invisible boundaries of unconditional love.
unscripted
February 28, 2011 § Leave a comment
Planning a special moment I tend to orchestrate events based on a visualized physical manifestation of happiness; my desire to create something beautiful overshadowing the moment itself. This is a lesson I am learning to embrace after stumbling over disappointment only to uncover a simpler, less structured experience of happiness.
My lesson began with good intentions. My husband and I made reservations to celebrate our anniversary at the place we said I do. One of my favorite places, quaint and romantic, I was happy for the opportunity to return; creating new memories among cherished memories. This is where I should have paused. The space of our time together was enough.
Instead, I began making new plans and generating an expectation of indulgence. Specifically, I began to daydream about spa treatments. My husband never fought my plans, but his silence caught my ear. I didn’t hear his enthusiasm. I was making anniversary plans for one, rather than focusing on how I communicated love and respect. Scented candles and his favorite wine were simple edits to the script in my mind. I let go. Replacing exaggerated expectations with acts of kindness created opportunities for new moments of shared happiness.
I encountered an unexpected edit to another expectation upon our arrival. I assumed I would find my way to the same room my husband and I shared on our wedding night and first anniversary. Standing in an unfamiliar suite I pouted. My husband recognized my disappointment and offered to fix what wasn’t broken. The simple recognition of my feelings helped me let go of the familiar for something new. I unpacked our belongings along with my expectations. When I stopped looking for what I knew, I noticed the abundant beauty of my surroundings. A tiny shift in my perspective and I began to see more clearly.
Choices became occasions for opportunity rather than disappointment. I shifted my attention from planning the next moment to relaxing and embracing each moment as it unfolded. Our anniversary was filled with acts of kindness and conversation balanced with listening. We share a beautiful life and our ability to respect one another’s needs and let go of expectations was a gift I hope to apply in practice more often.
love
February 26, 2011 § Leave a comment
In a moment of nostalgia, I poured over my wedding photos. Not the leather-bound album our photographer gathered into glossy cliff notes of poise for posterity. Rather the binder of proofs, snap shots of a day through another’s lens. Candid moments, unposed.
Kindness, generosity, and love highlight my favorite images. My step-father calmly receiving my panic during the short waltz down the aisle. Women whose lives intertwine with mine in friendship offering strength and love in support of my promise. My mother proud and sentimental, celebrating a new milestone.
There is one photograph that I pause over. Alone on a winding staircase, overwhelmed by the organized chaos around us, I leaned into my husband. There is an unspoken plea in the language of my body. Feeling lost and vulnerable I gave all of my needs to my husband in a kiss. It is me asking for patience and seeking shelter. My husband’s image stands tall, accepting and giving in the same breath. I have known beautiful moments of romance, but love is a greater indulgence.
grace
February 24, 2011 § Leave a comment
For the past week my body felt exhausted; my mind and heart heavy with distraction. Writing this morning I could feel myself relaxing into the day and joy leading my smile. I endeavor to smile, to see the world at its best, but today my happiness came from a quiet energy.
There is something divine in letting go; acknowledging grace and embracing humility. I moved from moment to moment fully conscious and eternally grateful for the people in my life and my unique sense of purpose. It was a blissfully, ordinary day.
