self talk, pep talk
November 17, 2011 § 2 Comments
Sometimes my most coherent thought comes moments after I press Publish. In this case, I cast the thoughts below into the vast space of uncertain readership under the guise of likeability and respectability. In truth the following is a pep talk, to myself, on the eve of a meeting with teachers and support staff addressing my son’s educational needs. It is important to note that previously I attended these meetings looking for direction, smiling and nodding, accepting and trusting. I am currently acting from a place of new consciousness as to what my son needs and can no longer accept without question the guidance of others, but must lead.
I am a people pleaser. I like to be liked. Recently, I have had to set aside the nagging question of what others think and step into a place of uncomfortable accountability. I have had to use my otherwise quiet voice to insist on aggressive actions concerning my son’s education and this dissension from the more comfortable corners of agreeability have taught me a lesson. It is better to be respected than liked. Genial smiles and nods of acknowledgment are nice, but self-respect lingers in moments of solitude.
This is not to say that I have been unkind or inconsiderate, stomping on others’ feelings my sights set single-mindedly on my own needs. I have merely stood firm in my resolution to speak up and ask for fair and reasonable support rather than trust blindly while following along unassumingly. Therein lies the greater truth: I believe you can be liked and respected if you are reasonable and kind.
Here is what sat between the lines of my initial sharing: I want the people who work with my son to like me, to be comfortable working with our family. I also want to respect myself when I leave the meeting tomorrow; to know that I have done what is in my son’s best interest. As I count the hours until the meeting I keep turning over in my mind what I must say and how best to ask so that I am reasonable and kind. Likeable and worthy of respect.
Follow-up: After a restless night’s sleep I gathered my courage along with my notes and respectfully requested a long list of specific tests to best determine my son’s academic needs. I was one voice in a room of eight, solely responsible for speaking on my son’s behalf. My voice and hands shook with anxiety, but I am proud. Now begins another chapter as we collect new information.
making a list, checking it twice
November 16, 2011 § Leave a comment
It’s that time of year, the air has turned cooler and the wind sends me scuttling inside after a forgotten scarf or gloves. Mother Nature gently reminds me that winter is around the corner and with it the festive busyness of Christmastime. In anticipation of familiar holiday routines, I have begun my list of things to do.
Christmas cards are the pre-season tradition I most look forward to. I have not taken the time to hand-write messages in years and while I miss the quiet, individual endeavor; I am content to label envelopes that will carry pictures of my children to family and friends. My life long love affair with mail is heightened over the holidays and I watch for the mailwoman eager to exchange a greeting and collect seasonal tidings of joy. This is the first sign of the season as I gather materials in the hopes of sending warm wishes soon after Thanksgiving.
Cookie making I save for winter break, an activity more enjoyable when shared with tiny hands. My island covered with flour and sprinkled with conversation makes for a delightful indoor activity on a cool winter’s day. An afternoon indulgence of warm baked goods and cocoa are a pleasant break from holiday errands and outdoor play. I am less traditional and entirely spontaneous when baking. Each year the cookies are predictably different from seasons past, old favorites and new samplings eclectically gathered like old friends and new in celebration.
Christmas gifting. I try to shop locally, happy to extend my errands to visit with friendly faces behind boutique counters and to window shop quaint storefronts appreciative of the festive decorations that twinkle against snow and lights. In an imperfect world the warm glow of lights and infectious good cheer of strangers makes neatly wrapped presents gifts secondary to kindness and good cheer.
The days between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve move to the soundtrack of familiar songs. I hum, accompany off-key, and twirl between activities, happy to breath in the sounds of the season. Quiet will settle only long enough for little ears to listen diligently, half asleep for the sound of stomping feet and bells on Christmas Eve.
Decking the halls and planning meals will keep my feet planted in reality while my head swims with daydreams of sugar plums. Classic holiday stories and old movies will gather my family near in restful moments of stillness balancing seasonal outings. It is a time of believing in the possibility of magic and giving thanks for the blessings of loved one’s. The greatest gifts will go unwrapped, the sweetest treats stolen moments in good company.
decisively curious
November 15, 2011 § Leave a comment
I struggle a bit with indecisiveness. I circle decisions hesitantly, curious to explore something new and cautious of the unknown. I must stand in a place of certainty before I step forward. Then, slowly, I find my way.
This past year has been an exercise in sharing; setting aside time to explore my thoughts and document everyday moments of wonder with writing. In the beginning I thought I would share stories of others that so serendipitously grace my days. Instead I found myself dwelling in a place of gratitude for my blessings, marveling at my children’s unique personalities, and reflecting on thoughts previously scribbled in my mind.
Today my husband gently nudged me forward, quietly challenging me to take another step. In response I am embracing the guidance of women who create beautiful blogs to draw me deeper into this nesting of my thoughts. With a heart full of hope and an indulgent gift of something new, I am stepping decisively, curiously forward.
food for the soul
November 14, 2011 § Leave a comment
Some days, less is immeasurably more. Today began with gray skies and pregnant raindrops. My list of house chores and errands sit unwritten, vying for attention. Instead of leaping into a day of busyness, I stilled myself dwelling on a singular task; nurturing my family with a meal. After a long weekend together the house felt empty this morning making me eager for school dismissal. Retrieving my trusted crock pot from the pantry and gathering ingredients, I directed my energy into the meditative act of cooking taking an extra moment to enjoy the process of preparing fresh vegetables. As the house begins to simmer with the scents of a hearty pot roast I am looking forward to the simple joy of family togetherness and a warm meal at the end of a cool, Autumn day.
a season of thanks & giving
November 13, 2011 § 2 Comments
My little girl is aware of the season, but her daydreams are filled with Christmas. She has begun checking the calendar, counting days, making wishes, and painstakingly writing her list. In sentences sprinkled with upper case and lower case letters, her careful penmanship marked items not for herself, but for family. Something special for her big brother and father, a space for my indecisiveness, but nothing for herself.
Her own wish came spontaneously, with certainty and whimsy, but remained unlisted as her attention was quickly redirected to details of Christmas Eve day; healthy snacks for Santa and a gift to make his job easier. Her blue eyes were wide with intention and sincerity as she outlined her thoughts. Her enthusiasm for giving outshining the eagerness in her own request.
This morning my daughter and I began gathering toys that have sat unused in need of homes for the holidays; making room for something new and sharing something unused; finding joy in what we do not need and gratitude for that which we have. Our minds are wrapped around Christmas, but our hearts filled with Thanksgiving.
next
November 12, 2011 § Leave a comment
This small word has been chasing tirelessly though my thoughts all week. I recently became aware my son needs greater support at school. The realization and acceptance of new challenges has brought into my days both uncertainty and hope for what comes next.
I say uncertain; not of my son, of myself. I am more comfortable a safe distance outside conflict, now I must sit inside conflict. Seeking the council of others who have had to ask for support in the space of middle school, I have been forewarned of potential resistance and advised to accept nothing less than excellence from administrators, educators, and therapists. My son’s education rests on these moments of possibility, his potential for success in school rests on my success in preliminary meetings as we define needs and outline support.
Guiding me through piles of paperwork is an advocate with experience aiding families of children on the Autism Spectrum in the heavily coded language of Individual Education Plans. Yesterday I received a new e-mail walking me through my next meeting. I hold onto this woman’s words like a life line, aware I will soon sit at another conference table faced with the responsibility of speaking up in a space I feel uncertain and where the stakes could not be higher.
I will ask for evaluations I did not previously know my son needed in a language that feels new on my tongue. Guilt over my previous ignorance breeds shame. To build confidence I have begun researching the evaluations I must ask for, studying what I do not understand. I carry with me new knowledge and a standard of accountability based in awareness. I draw strength from another’s words:
When you know better you do better. ~ Maya Angelou
Hope for a better future and knowledge lead me forward. Consciousness opens the door, but intention guides me into a place of possibility.
*It is important to note that while this blog represents my perspective, my husband accompanies me on this journey. Due to the early morning scheduling of our next meeting, I will attend the meeting while my husband prepares our children for school. It is a decision we made together. I speak with one voice, but I am mindful that my husband is my partner in this ongoing endeavor.
paths not taken
November 11, 2011 § Leave a comment
Today is Veterans Day. As my husband kissed me goodbye before leaving for work and my children settled into various leisurely activities in celebration of the long weekend, I paused to give thanks for the unanswered prayers of a teenage girl and paths not taken.
The first boy I kissed was a soldier. It was his first love and true calling. I remember the day he pledged himself to the service of our country. My teenage heart wanted him to stay, to guard me from a home with sadness and promise me a future. It wasn’t meant to be and I mourned what I thought I lost.
Today I look at the home my husband and I have built and give thanks for the hidden blessings of paths not taken. This Veterans Day I am grateful for a young boy whose life of service gift my children a safer world and for the man I married whose love gave me a future my teenage self could not have imagined.
company & clarity
November 10, 2011 § 2 Comments
Cool winds have swept us into a season of Thanksgiving. I have been mindful of my blessings, but recently while planning for our traditional turkey meal I felt the distraction of disharmony tugging at my consciousness. Negative thoughts unspoken encroached on my spirit; stubbornly I shoved the unwelcomed sentiments beneath the proverbial rug until I tripped over my thoughts. Then I set aside my blessings, guarding them from dismay, and called my unpleasant thoughts into consciousness naming them like petulant children. Anger came quickly.
I have welcomed guests into my home in the name of etiquette and family obligations, allowing resentment to slip through the door. Old wounds sit freshly salted; resentment chafes at gratitude. Self-righteous, anger seemed to mock my false sincerity.
I am trying to allow myself forgiveness for my anger and permission to feel discontent. This brief exercise in naming and claiming responsibility for my unkind thoughts reminded me of a book I once read, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford. The ugly emotions simmering beneath my gratitude were poisoning my thoughts. Giving my feelings light and air has brought me peace.
Rather than assume new injuries or dwell on old hurts, I am looking ahead to Thanksgiving with a new consciousness; expectations centered in awareness and responsibility founded in acceptance of imperfect relationships among imperfect people.
singing in the rain
November 8, 2011 § Leave a comment
This morning my daughter reminded me that behind every dark cloud is an opportunity for joy. My lesson began just before the school bell.
I peered out the windows of our home discouraged by the sight of rain. Gloomy and disheartened by dark skies I threw a spontaneous pity party, pouting at the inevitable mess and unavoidable complications to otherwise simple tasks. Loading my daughter into the car for school I marveled at neighborhood streets flowing with water, magnificent and chaotic. As I pulled in front of the school building, my daughter’s face lit up in sheer joy as she extracted her bright pink umbrella. The car door swung open and she lept from the car eager to experience the rain. What was cold, wet, messy and uncontrollable to me was an opportunity for joy to my daughter.
I watched my little girl navigate the puddles, choosing her path mindfully from under the shelter of her pink halo and took note: in life sometimes we have to get a little uncomfortable and embrace an opportunity to find our way, joy is within us.
